Take On Me
by Mutant111
Summary: AU MerDer. It's basically a story about overcoming your demons and learning to believe that even through the most atrocious odds there's light. It's about true love. And breaking rules and healing.
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1: With 8 Seconds Left in Overtime; She's On Your Mind**_

She kept her eyes glued to her feet, tapping nervously against the floor. There was a look of fear on the young woman's face as she ignored the atmosphere around her and concentrated on each tap as if it were a life line. She had been counting them in her head, like she was OCD. Though, at the moment it was the only thing that was keeping her there in that hospital waiting room. There was a moment where she stopped to yawn, losing her count. Her grey eyes dared to look up from the old pair of lace-less black converse, scanning the cluttered waiting room, as the memory of the previous evening began to play in her mind.

_"Come on, Mer! You're being ridiculous. You owe it to yourself to at least see what Shepherd has to say. Maybe he'll be able to do something. You don't know."_

_"Since when are you optimistic?" Meredith asked the woman who had been her best friend since the beginning of med school. Her eyes narrowed at her friend's sudden burst of positivity. They sparkled with a mix of unshed emotion, as she fought to keep it all in._

_"He's world renowned, Meredith. He's what you need… the best."_

_"But I don't want to go, Cristina."_

_"GO! You're going! I don't want to hear about your poor helpless situation. Here is a God-Awesome chance… and you need to take it!" Cristina yelled from the top of the stairs. "You are way smarter than this." She continued, though her voice was now quieter._

_She shook her head slowly, as Cristina's encouragement bounced around in her mind. "Fine, but I don't want to hear that I never tried!" She looked up the stairs, where her friend once stood; her presence empty from her sight. "Did you hear? I said I would go!" She called out without an answer, once again. She let out a huffed sigh, as she turned around, giving up the argument._

_"GOOD!" Cristina called down from the stairs. "I knew calling you an idiot would be productive."_

Meredith sighed as she thought of her friend, at home waiting for good news. She looked back down at her shoes, trying to get back to the empty place she was moments before, though she was having sour luck.

* * *

He was late. Again. The nurses were complaining, because he was a thousand patients behind, and he was never going to catch up, unless by miracle, someone was a no-show.

She continued to sit staring at her shoes, the scuff marks and greying of the laces matched the grey carpet underneath them. The nurse's anger toward Dr. Shepherd wasn't lost to her ears, and she contemplated being the "no-show" patient, to save herself from him, and apparently him from her. She would be doing him a favor, she rationalized. Sacrificing her appointment for the good of someone who he can help.

The nurses watched the peculiar patient with close eyes, intuitively aware of her dismayed behavior. She was the godly neurosurgeon's next patient, after all. Maybe she was upset by the length of the wait? For the majority of the time, she was closed out to the rest of the world, but for a second she appeared more thoughtful and less agitated. One of the nurses, who had been watching her, dared to approach the young woman. Her eyes were closed, though up close she didn't look as agitated as what they thought. She walked up to the young woman, giving her a kind smile. "Meredith?" She said softly, the wrist band she was wearing gave away her personal identity. "I can take you back to an exam room, if waiting out here… is too much?" Meredith opened her eyes, paying attention to her presence. She glanced up at the nurse's station, eyeing the women who sat behind it. "Dr. Shepherd is running late today, but we have a few rooms open."

She took in a breath, tossing around the idea to flee, more realistically now that she was being offered an exam room. Her eyes flashed from the face of the kind nurse, back to her feet, over to her bag, and back to the nurse again. _Cris will kill me if I leave_, she thought. Not coming out with those exact words, she nodded as she stood up slowly to follow the nurse down a long hall full of doors leading off to exam rooms.

Meredith glanced around her surroundings, taking in her new atmosphere. The nurse was kind and quiet, and gave her space to ruminate on everything that she wanted to say to Dr. Shepherd as the time grew closer and closer to meet him. She wondered what he looked like, and what his bedside manner would be. Whether he would be cold and distant, funny, or down to earth. Whether he would meet Cristina's high expectations. The room that the nurse opened up for her was a typical sterile exam room, with a table draped in white paper, several chairs, a sink, and a roll away computer. She felt a lot more comfortable out of the prying eyes of the nurses. As she sat down she heard the door click behind the nurse erasing her even more from everyone else.

The wait continued, for quite a number of minutes after the nurse left her to her sanctuary. She began to count away the seconds, and the minutes in an attempt to pass the time that she was spending waiting for this doctor to finally come in. It was nerve wracking, as everything in the past pushed against her, and everything that the future could hold mocked her. She had grown tired of talking about the misfortunes of her life a long time ago… and had in most ways given up on ever getting answers for herself. It was a full time job, dealing with the everyday, and yet by some lapse of judgment—she wanted more. She wanted what she couldn't have.

There was a light wrap at the door, before a man in a white lab coat broke her seclusion. She looked up at him, trying to come across as calm and eager for his visit, but her eyes stung as she tried to put away all that she was just thinking about. He smiled at her, his blue eyes reflecting a bit of sympathy as he held out his hand to shake hers.

"Hey." He said in a friendly voice. He stared down at his newest patient, taken by her determined expression. She was thin and pale, though her handshake was firm and assertive. Her hair was a deep honey blonde, her eyes a cool grey. His lips parted in a half smile, her cool fingers melting into his warmer ones like butter against a hot knife. "I'm Derek Shepherd."

"Hi. Meredith Grey." She said, trying to be friendly in return, though her voice cracked as she said her name. She cleared her throat taking back her hand, and control of her emotions. He didn't come in a hurry, or with an overflowing amount of confidence. As Meredith sat watching him, he seemed to be hesitant. His blue eyes were wide with curiosity; his hair was combed back, setting at the nap of his neck in dark curls—not too long, but long enough. Very Russell Crowe, she noted. His features were very Kennedy, his strong chiseled jaw, a nose that, for lack of a better word "fit" him, though it didn't take away from any of his more flattering features.

He sat down in the rolling chair with a sigh, his eyes still not leaving hers; he tried to regain his thought process. "I will say, I have thought an awful lot about you over the past few days." She listened to Dr. Shepherd's low soft voice as he spoke to her. His comments striking her rather odd. She felt her brow furrow, subconsciously at his awkward conversation starter, a look that he didn't miss. "Uh..." he stuttered suddenly feeling very unprofessional. "What I mean is… it took me several days to read through all the paperwork. Your medical record is probably about the size of two phone books. You've certainly had your share of…" again he found himself stuttering for words. "You've definitely been through a lot…" He nodded as she began to breathe faster, trying to fight against that feeling deep inside her chest. She listened to the way he said "a lot", the soft sincerity in his voice was starting to overwhelm her. He watched her carefully, noticing the way she was reacting to his words, and wondering if it was anything that he had said specifically. He waited for her to say something—anything, as silence filled the room.

She slowly took hold of her emotional reins, promising herself that she would hold on to them better. Slowly, she looked up at him again. He was only being kind, she told herself, trying to find the words to restart the appointment. His blue eyes were staring back at her, this time with understanding and strength instead of deep compassion and sympathy. She seemed so distraught, though her strength continued to bleed through as she fought to continue the appointment without tears. Her eyes, though they were misty with unshed tears that she vapidly blinked away, were full of fortitude. Her arms were folded over her chest in a show of belligerence. She watched him with about as much curiosity as he watched her. She didn't know what to say to him, or what he was expecting her to do.

She had been waiting for him, for a very long time. And through that wait she had considered many options, though now wasn't the time to enact any of them. At the moment she was at the mercy of his abilities—and through life she had learned that she wasn't ever compatible. Even she knew the limitations of science, and that the abilities of doctors only stretched so far. Normally doctors refused to see her, denied her conditions as being real, or simply came in and told her not to come back. He, on the other hand was sitting in front of her with interest in his eyes. He had surprised her with his curiosity and his willingness. He was still watching her, waiting patiently for her to say something, in the event that he made her emotional again.

"I'm… usually not this… emotional." Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper as she relinquished her control and let him in.

"No… it's ok. I understand. It's been a long road."

"Please don't say things like that. Just… act normal please?"

"Act normal?" He smirked, entertained by the notion. He wasn't sure he knew what normal was, let alone how to act it. He didn't premeditate.

"Yeah… no more comments about having gone through a lot or that it's been a long road. I know, and I'm trying to be… me. But, you're making it sort of difficult."

"Difficult, huh? Got it… I'll try to be more normal."

* * *

The appointment continued without another emotional break, as Derek tried to avoid giving too much sympathy to the woman in front of him. She explained the last 20 years of her life to him, in articulate detail, and he found himself in awe of the way she was able to separate herself from her condition. She presented her symptoms like a resident presented cases to him at rounds, and he found that he was impressed. She was easy to talk to, and she seemed generally interested in what little he had to offer her.

"I know that you've been…" The warning look in her gaze, reminded him to redirect his words. "I commend you for your perseverance. But, I don't know if there is anything I can do for you from a neurosurgical standpoint."

She giggled, shaking her head at his awkwardness. "You aren't use to giving bad news are you?"

"It's really that apparent, huh?" He shook his head, though a hint of a smile was sparked on his own lips.

"You might want to practice that in a mirror. It's really quite simple. Meredith, there's nothing I can do for you. Meredith, it would be better if you focused on your good days…"

"Meredith, that's not what I'm saying." His tone was soft again, his smirk morphing into a sad smile as he captured her attention again.

"I'm listening." The skepticism was still heavy in her tone. Her eyes mirrored her true feelings, an asset that he was taking full advantage of.

"Well, don't get too excited." He joked, though it did little to affect her demeanor. "First, I'd like to repeat an MRI. See if there are any more lesions that we need to be concerned about."

"You want to measure the progression, right?"

"Yes. But, I'd also like to have recent scans. Maybe show them around to a few of my colleagues, if you don't mind?" He expected her to be… worn, and maybe that was why he took such a special interest in the girl in front of him. She was worn and atypical, and this was a terrible situation. Derek liked to fix terrible situations. He wouldn't deny that. And in all his years as a surgeon he very rarely came across a case that he was unable to fix. He was drawn to the temptation to try for her, and for himself. Even if he wasn't able to correct her symptoms… maybe he could do things for her that the previous doctors could not.

"I don't know… I guess that would be ok." Her voice was obviously lacking the enthusiasm that she needed to sell her comfort within the situation that he wanted to put her in.

His head unconsciously tilted to one side, his blue eyes grew darker as he contemplated her tone. "This is totally up to you. If you don't want to do the MRI, we don't have to. You're driving this train."

Her eyes lightened slightly as she looked up at him, his sincerity tugging silently at what she had bottled up inside. "Let's do the MRI."

"Alright?" He said softly, as he watched her carefully. He watched her as she let out a sigh, before she mumbled something inaudible to him. "What was that?" He heard himself say, in as equal a tone as his last comment.

She swallowed hard, trying to go back into doctor mode with him. I'm driving the train, she thought over and over again. "I'm driving the train…" she whispered out loud once more, watching it register to him. "It's not like I really have anything to lose."

"No…" he shook his head softly. "No, you don't."

* * *

Meredith walked into her bathroom later that evening, her mind still on hyper drive from her appointment with Shepherd. Her hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, as she stood at the sink examining her pale features. She looked exhausted. No wonder Shepherd kept looking at her like she was the dead girl walking. Her eyes were dark, her collarbone peeked out beneath her baggy shirt, revealing the thin truth that hid beneath. Her lips were set in a frustrated frown, belying the day she had. It wasn't a bad day. It wasn't a particularly good day either… but she had seen far worse. Though, still, she looked empty. Like there was nothing left for her. She didn't understand why she felt exactly like that.

She turned on the tap, splashing warm water on to her cool features. The water rolled off her forehead and cheeks, before it dripped off her chin and nose, falling into the sink basin below. Was there no hope? Was she, once again, being that foolish girl that was hoping for the impossible?

She crawled into her bed next to Cristina, who occupied the far left side. She pulled back the comforter, throwing the quilt and sheet over her head, the darkness surrounding her even more. There was a moment where she felt Cristina shuffling around, finding her own way under the covers to be with her best friend. For a few moments, they just lazed there. Listening to the sound of each other's breathing.

At one moment, Cristina looked over at Meredith lying in the dark abyss next to her. She heard her shallow breaths, and though she had kept away from the conversation for the entire evening, she couldn't stand not knowing what her friend had experienced that day. "How was…" she began, listening to her whisper collide with the blankets that mutually covered and separated them. "How was Shepherd? You don't look… very happy." She said, turning on her side to face Meredith.

"He was fine. We're doing an MRI." She whispered, pulling the blankets off of her face, sitting up in the bed to get away from the closeness. "I don't even know what I'm doing anymore." She sighed.

Cristina slowly pulled the blankets off her own face, as she looked up at Meredith. The moonlight creeping in through the blinds casted itself on her face giving her normally pale features an even whiter look. "What did he say?" Cristina asked, with a true look of sincerity.

Meredith shook her head, glancing down at her friend. "We don't have to do the thing?"

"I know… I just want to know what happened today." There was hesitation in her voice. Meredith wasn't good at keeping secrets. No matter how well Mer thought she was at keeping them, she eventually couldn't hold on to them any longer.

Meredith just shook her head; a small sniffle escaped her nose, before a cough escaped her throat. "He wants to see the progression. He wants to… I don't know. I really don't want to talk about it."

Cristina adjusted herself, propping herself up on her elbows as she continued to eye Meredith. "Well… that's something. You said he wasn't going to do anything."

"I don't want him to do anything. I just want to be left alone. Do you realize how much I just want people to leave me alone?" Her eyes were dulled by sadness, the glassy appearance made her look sicklier against the moonlight, as Cristina's eyes narrowed at her confession. "He's ridiculous. He's all cheerful and arrogant. And he knows that there is nothing he can do, though he sat there the entire time just looking at me"

"Ok? He wasn't supposed to look at you? Mer, you're being ridiculous." Cristina scoffed, in a snarky tone.

"It's not that he was looking at me. It was the way he was looking at me. Like poor Meredith, looking at me."

"You've seen him one time and he already has a poor Meredith look? Seriously, Mer, do you realize how ridiculous this sounds?"

"And it's not the look…" she continued, completely oblivious to Cristina's feedback, or her rambling. "… it's the way he was looking at me. It made me feel… like..." she paused, trying to fight off a deep yawn, as she sunk back into laying.

"It made you feel…" Cristina prompted waiting for her friend to finish what she was going to say.

She shut her eyes tight, trying to erase the memories from the day. Exhaustion washed over her with the silence. "He's making it really hard not to believe him."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2: I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell**_

The lights from the surrounding city poured in the window of his office. They lit up the room, against the dull desk light, and paraded across the face of the sleeping neurosurgeon. He had closed his eyes for just a second, succumbing to the trick of reason that every mind played when it was suffering from exhaustion. Of course, a second had turned into a minute, and a minute had turned into an hour; his head still tipped on the back of his office chair. Meredith Grey's records sat in disarray on his desk in front of him, and even though she had remained on his mind, he was finding the task of separating all of her records more than his fatigued mind could handle.

With a shutter and a gasp, his head jerked forward, a cough escaped from his throat as his eyes blinked open. His vision was blurry as he searched for his wall clock, sharp pains jetted down his neck to his back as he moved his stiff body, cursing himself for falling asleep in his office—again. There was still some coffee left in the travel mug from his stop at the stand earlier that evening. It was cold and stale, but helped to moisten his dry mouth. "Idiot." He muttered to himself, the hour of the evening finally registering in his mind. "Crap…" He muttered again, coming to the realization that he had to be in to work in three hours. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, the pains finally starting to dull.

And then there was Meredith. His thoughts drifted to her and the paperwork on his desk. Somehow, the sorting all seemed pointless. It wouldn't help her; it wasn't giving him any ideas as to where to even begin, after the MRI. It was a mess, though the more he looked at it, the more he wanted to.

He looked at the work he had already done, the mounds of paperwork were sorted into piles based on specialty. Neurology, Gastroenterology, Urology, Cardiology, Dermatology, Rheumatology, Psychiatry, Surgery. It went on and on. Everything from the time that Meredith was 7 years old. It was all there. In front of him. He knew that she was allergic to carrots. And she didn't know her father, or his family history. He had sorted through and read through a lot, though there were still no hints or glaring details.

Nothing made sense. And yet there it was. It had been there for years.

He ran his fingers through his already wild hair, blowing out a frustrated, tired sigh that caused his cheeks to puff out. "Maybe I am taking too big of a bite?" He thought out loud, though he shook away the idea. Derek Shepherd didn't have cases that were too much to handle. And he wasn't about to give up on something that someone was fighting hard for.

* * *

It was many hours later that Derek stood with his arms folded triumphantly over his chest. The warm light of the sun casted a golden hue over the paperwork neatly organized in piles littering the floor. It had taken most of the night, and in to the bright of dawn to finish, but he did it. Truth be told, he wasn't used to patients with this much paperwork—especially when the paperwork was extensive, yet still didn't reveal anything substantial. At least, not originally.

In medical school he became amazed at how intricate and important each system of the body was. How it all worked together to create life, and how any deviation in any of the systems resulted in chaos. Meredith seemed to fit that definition. Her body was in complete chaos.

She was starving because her body couldn't absorb nutrition properly. Her last ECHO revealed that she was in moderate, yet stabilized, heart failure, if stabilized was even the right word to describe it. She had one functional kidney. Her brain had several lesions, that were non cancerous, or the result of severe infection. No one could figure her out and blamed her for her symptoms—even though countless psychiatric reports correlated that whatever was going on was not related to her mind. She wasn't anorexic, she wasn't self harming, she wasn't anything. This vicious cycle went on for years and years—until, he realized she finally gave up.

He was included because of the Leukodystrophy, the lesions, though he was having difficulty seeing only that aspect of his patient. It was very easy for him to get caught up in the splendor of surgery. Most of what he did was an only option emergent treatment decision. Subdural hematomas, skull fractures, subarachnoid hemorrhages, tumor resections… it was all quick and dirty. But this was like a tangled web. The more you pulled, the more something else was affected. It was different from the usual and it was drawing him in like a strong magnet. She was pulling him in. And even though everything appeared so overwhelming and so complicated, he couldn't deny it, there was something special in her, too. And she deserved better.

* * *

Somehow he managed to pull himself away from his office, freshen up and make it to his 7:15 surgery. His scrub cap hid his untamable hair, his surgical mask hid most of his stubble, only revealing two blue eyes that were shadowed from lack of sleep.

He took in the situation before him as one of the scrub nurses pulled on his surgical gloves, and set his headset on top of his head. Two other surgeons were already working on the unnamed patient in front of him, as he took his time evaluating the patient's blood pressure and O2 stats.

"Someone looks like they fell asleep in their office again." A familiar voice came from one of the masked surgeons, promoting a snicker from the other. Derek rolled his eyes, as he found his spot at the head of the patient.

"Did you at least grab some coffee before you scrubbed in?" His eyes found the face of the voice who was engaging him in conversation, answering him with a grunt and a nod. He wasn't in the mood to converse with his company in the OR this morning, especially Mark Sloan's teasing. On any other day he would have chuckled lightheartedly and engaged in some random conversation, though today he just wasn't feeling right.

"Yes, Mother." He sighed, earning a small laugh from his friend.

"Look, man… I get that you're still mopey about Hannah, but what did you really expect? That doesn't mean you turn into a hermit. Rebound! You're young… you've got great hair…" He exclaimed as he focused on suturing the last remaining stitches on their patient's ear.

"This isn't about Hannah… I just have a lot on my mind." Derek muttered as he made a vertical incision into the patient's scalp.

Mark didn't even listen to Derek's reply, as he pushed back the rolling stool he was sitting on, standing up and moving to another area on the patient. "You've gotta stop going out with nurses." He began, oblivious to the glares of several nurses surrounding them in the OR. "Branch out. There are so many more fish in the sea." He smiled behind his scrub mask,

"Mark…" Derek growled. The sound of the burr hole being slowly drilled into the patient's skull invaded the OR, as Derek secretly hoped it would drown out any further remarks made by Dr. Sloan. His hope ended when the burr hole was successfully drilled and Mark continued his relentless chatter.

"What? What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't offer you an encouraging word every now and again?"

"Mark… I'm not asking, I'm telling!"

"Alright… alright, I get it! You're in a douchey mood. You're sex deprived, you're in a douchey mood and you're gonna to take it out on everyone you possibly can."

Derek would have rolled his eyes, if he wasn't a retractor deep in some person's brain. Instead he redirected his attention to the second year resident assisting him in the surgery, deciding his best move would be to ignore his over eager friend. "Dr. Storm, don't hesitate with the saline… in this situation less isn't more."

"So you're crappy mood only extends to me?"

"No, my quote unquote crappy mood only extends to people who keep butting in to my personal life. Dr. Storm is learning a procedure. You, on the other, hand keep confusing this OR for a bar."

"Fine. Be that way." Mark huffed under his scrub mask, finally ready to let the conversation go. "Just remember next time you want to talk over drinks at Joe's I'm out."

A small chuckle escaped from Derek's throat, as he found an opportunity to glance briefly over towards his friend. "We both know that isn't true. Especially when I let you use my tab."

* * *

She was running late, per usual. The traffic was intense, and then she couldn't find the right conference room, and by the time she did catch up with her group, they were already knee deep into the tour. The heavy OR doors creaked as she opened them. She prayed that everyone would be so engrossed in the lecture that no one would notice her entrance.

"These are, without a doubt, the most important days of your life." Chief Webber's voice echoed against the tile walls of the OR. "You didn't become a doctor when you graduated medical school. You will become a doctor over the course of these next few years. Becoming a doctor is a journey. This isn't a TV drama, folks." He placed great emphasis on certain words, leaving the room eerily quiet when he was finished.

Meredith watched his eyes scan the faces of each individual intern, perhaps as an effort to intimidate them. Some of them turned red and redirected their gaze. Others stared intensely back at him. There was something vaguely familiar in his tone of voice and his facial features, though she couldn't quite place her finger on it.

"Alright. You will be assigned to one of five residents. Obey them. Look up to them. They are here to teach you." He fumbled around through some papers before retrieving his list. "Alright. Drs. Anthony, Zuckerman, Hoffman, and Ryan, you're with Dr. Torres. Drs. Stevens, Grey, Yang, and Karev, Dr. Miranda Bailey…" The roll call continued throughout the class, as each person attempted to find their teacher.

He handed a stack of paper to one of her peers, silently asking him to distribute them around to the others. "If your name wasn't called, or you weren't paying clear enough attention please come see my secretary." And just like that, the Chief of Surgery disappeared out of the OR to pursue bigger and better things.

"Ah," Cristina elbowed Meredith, a plotting grin on her face. "We're with the Nazi."

"The what?" Meredith asked, as her eyes searched the mob of white coats as she attempted to find their resident. Most of them were tall middle aged men, but none of their name tags read out Bailey.

"The Nazi. I heard that she was the only female intern her first year. She had to be tough."

"She could be nice?" Izzie suggested, putting out a positive front as usual.

"With a name like the Nazi, I highly doubt it." Cristina said with an elaborate eye roll.

The taller doctors stepped aside, letting a much shorter African American woman in between them. She was short in stature, though her eyes were intense and full of stern purpose.

"I think that's her!" Izzie pointed out, smiling in eagerness.

"That can't be her, I thought she would be… you know?" Cristina pointed between Meredith and Izzie, as she tried to find the right words to describe her expectation. "I thought she would be blonde."

There was no time to answer, as Dr. Bailey made her way over to the three of them. Her hands were clenched on her hips, as she looked each of them up and down as if judging their worth.

Meredith felt her nerves flutter briefly inside her chest. She felt like a child again, answering to a punishment. She glanced briefly over at Cristina who was wearing a similar expression, though she looked less terrified and more determined. Izzie on the other hand wore a huge grin on her face, as she reached out to shake their new boss's hand.

"Hi. I'm Isobel Stevens… you can call me Izzie. I'm looking forward to getting to know medicine from your perspective. I know you'll have a lot to teach us." She showed her bright Izzie smile, all of her pretty white teeth displayed.

"Rule number one." Dr. Bailey barked. "Don't bother sucking up to me because I already hate you."

Cristina snickered, eyeing Izzie sarcastically, as she took back her hand and a disappointed frown replaced her eager grin.

* * *

The day progressed so fast that Meredith's head was spinning. Dr. Bailey walked them through each floor and department, as she shared important information about what was expected from each of them. When they finally made it back into the hospital's atrium, Meredith's legs felt like two jelly sticks, as she pushed hard against her screaming body. Once again, she was wondering what she got herself in to, as Cristina glanced back at her friend several times, realizing that she was lagging. She couldn't believe how fast her heart was beating, and her immediate back pain reminded her that it had been hours since she last emptied her bladder. She was also in desperate need of some fluids, which was probably related to her fast pounding pulse and stubborn disposition.

"I expect you to remember the location of Radiology and the Lab… at the very least. If you want to get on my good side, I suggest you remember it all." The scowl that introduced Bailey was still very much set on her face, her hard features spared no room for mistakes and second chances. "I'll see you all next Monday. That's when your internship really begins. And I expect you all to be at the top of your game." She looked at Meredith, specifically, locking eyes with her. "Don't think I didn't notice you lagging, Grey. This program is rough. If you don't think you can handle it, now's the time to change."

"I can handle it." Meredith mumbled, much to her relief Bailey had nothing more to say. Without even so much as a nod goodbye, she left the three women standing alone in the atrium. Their minds buzzing with opinions and confusion.

"That was intense." Cristina began, slipping into one of the chairs.

"Tell me about it." Meredith croaked. Her throat horse from dehydration and exhaustion. At the moment she couldn't fathom how she would have time to retie her shoe, let alone replenish her fluids for the day. She leaned back in the hard plastic chair, resting her head against the wall. She wondered what she had gotten herself into. "What did I get myself into?" She wondered aloud, though neither Cristina nor Izzie could provide any explanation.

"The hospital's nice. Sunny." Izzie pointed out, far less enthusiastic than she was just a few hours earlier.

"Don't expect that to be the norm. This is like the first sunny day in weeks." Meredith pointed out, her lack of energy mixed with slight depression made her sound weird against the tall ceilings.

Cristina looked around the open room, looking for one specific sign. "The only place she didn't show us was the cafeteria. And I am starving."

"Yeah, me too." Izzie joined.

Meredith shook her head, her eyes still shut against the exhaustion. "Well, you can go. I'm staying here."

* * *

She sat silently, alone for quite a few minutes, enjoying the quiet. The warm sun drenched her through the window, causing her to feel sleepier as the minutes passed by. She wasn't asleep, but she supposed to the strangers walking through the hospital, it must look that way.

As if by sixth sense, she felt someone's eyes on her. She opened one to survey the situation, jumping softly when she noticed Dr. Shepherd's light blue eyes staring at her from the opposite row of chairs. "God. What are you doing here? Don't you have tumors to remove, or whatever?" She sat up straighter, brushing out the wrinkles that were molded into her shirt.

"No… I'm in between surgeries. I came down to grab another coffee. Are you ok, you look pale." He switched places swiftly, plopping himself down in the chair next to hers.

"I'm fine." She replied drily.

He shook his head a small crooked smile came to his lips. She looked dressed up in her white button down shirt and tan slacks. "Are you here to see someone? I didn't see any appointments for you in the system."

"I'm here for orientation. I start my internship next week." She watched his face light up more, making her heart race faster and her cheeks grow warm.

"Internship, huh?" That's when he noted the ID badge clipped on to her pocket. He had completely forgotten about orientation, his surgery with Dr. Sloan and Dr. Storm ran longer than they had originally thought. He was still wearing his scrub cap and booties, fresh out of a craniotomy. "Which resident do you have?"

"Bailey." She replied drily again, not feeling overly joyed by the woman.

"Ah, the Nazi, right? She may come across as tough, but once you get to know her, she's a real softy." She seemed reluctant to say much about Dr. Bailey, and by the look on her face he could tell that she was hurting, and trying to hide it. There was a look in her eyes that tempted him to test her words and pry a little more, though he chose not to. "If you'd like me to talk to Dr. Bailey about your situation, I'd be happy to…"

"What?" She gasped, surprised that he was even offering. "Just because you know my medical history doesn't mean you have the right to... to baby me." She couldn't find the right words to describe what she didn't want, and a part of her thought it was silly to even express that idea at all. But he knew things about her, and they were obviously going to be working together. She couldn't have him treating her different. Like he clearly was. She could tell there was something in his eyes, something that he wasn't expressing.

"I'm not babying you. All I'm saying is, there's no shame in letting people know so that they can respect you. I know the last thing Bailey would want is for something happening to anyone under her watch. That includes the interns. " He was pleased to see that she at least appeared to be running his suggestion over, though she still shook her head.

She didn't know what to say. She was slightly embarrassed, though she didn't know why. "I'm going to tell Bailey. Eventually I'll have to. But until then, I need to be established."

"I know. You'll tell her when you're ready. I…" he began turning to look at her, not wanting to make her upset. "… I know that you don't want any sympathy. I know you want to be treated just like every other intern in this program. But, Bailey… she's fair. She's not going to give you the easy way. Trust me on that."

His smile was genuine, making her softer than she had been. Making her body language less hard and aggressive. She was worried about the upcoming week more so than she thought she would be. Bailey already didn't like her, and Meredith couldn't imagine how her limitations would affect that. This thing... this thing that she had to take with her everywhere, that she had to cooperate with and trim her life to fit around, this thing changed everything, even though she tried like hell not to let it. She didn't want to think about it. She couldn't now, under the watching eyes of Dr. Shepherd. If he wasn't so compassionate, she would find his speculative behavior rather alarming, though there was a distance in his eyes, as he sat next to her pondering something more than she was aware.

The waiting room sat empty except for the shadows the sun created, and the random pedestrian slipped by on their way to the cafeteria. He could sit there forever, he decided. Even though neither of them were saying anything. He registered that maybe the silence between them was better. There was this gleam in her eyes that he wanted to read. She was mysterious to him, in nurmerous way, though mostly couldn't understand how a person going through so much could be so calm. She had worries and concerns just like every other patient, he knew—though there was a separation between her knowledge and her emotions. There were times that he had seen a glimpse of a more complex Meredith. An emotional Meredith, though it came and went as fast as she was able to capsize it. Like a captain manning the rough waves, she was an expert sailor. Though she still intrigued his curiosity.

Suddenly a high pitched beep called out, echoing against the walls of the airy hospital entrance. He stood up abruptly, his hands finding the pager clipped expertly on his hip. _Damn_, he thought realizing that the page was from the ICU. "I've gotta take this one. We're still on for that MRI tomorrow, right?"

She nodded silently, watching him walk away from her backwards. As if he was lingering. "I'll be there."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3: Dark Side of the Moon**_

"Just try to lay still." The radiology technician instructed, as he clipped the plastic cage over Meredith's face. His voice was muffled by the ear plugs he gave her, as she strained to hear more of his instructions. She could see his face as he stood over her, his lips moving as he spoke, though they sounded like a soft whisper.

"…. 2 hours… sleep… microphone." He turned moving away out of her sight, the table began to move slowly into the giant magnetized tube. _You're lucky I'm not stupid, because I couldn't hear a word you said,_ she thought as she closed her eyes. The inside of the tube was close and claustrophobic, though strangely airy. Upon feeling the table stop moving, Meredith slowly opened her eyes, scanning around the giant magnet that she would spend the next 2 hours in.

"Alright, Meredith…" the voice of the radiologist blasted through the tube, thankfully loud enough for her to hear this time. "We're about ready to start the test. If you need anything just say so… but, please try to remain as still as possible." _Like I have any other choice?_ Without hesitation the loud repetitive banging of the machine began, permeating even through the ear plugs. _Of course, now is when I have to scratch my nose…_

Minute by minute, the banging continued. The pattern repetitive for several minutes before changing into something completely different, though equally loud and repetitive. It reminded Meredith of a carnival. The chaos—creaky old rides, and loud obnoxious games. She had only ever had the opportunity to go to one carnival. It was with her friend Sadie, when they were both in the fourth grade. Ellis wasn't big on overcrowded places that sold food that probably violated several different health codes. Meredith couldn't say that she was a big fan either. But, one time Ellis let her go, and she had a generally decent time and came back unscathed. The claustrophobia combined with the obnoxious repetitive noise made the situation feel like a carnival. Minus the gross smells, obviously.

"How're doing in there?" The tech broke into her thoughts, causing her to jump slightly against her will. She waited for him to chastise her for her movement, but it never came. "Fine" she heard herselfsay. The first thing she had said out loud since laying on the table, which by now seemed like forever ago. "Alright. You're about a quarter done. Still have about an hour and a half left." _Great_, she thought, deciding to shut her eyes instead of staring at the empty pale ceiling of the tube for the rest of the test.

_Maybe he'll see something. Or, maybe he won't and he'll leave me alone. I mean, how much is he actually going to be able to tell from one MRI? It's not like tissue biopsies, or hell… even lab work! They've done all that though. The biopsies, the scans, blood work. It's all been done. Even this. This has been done before. They found something that time. Maybe he'll see it again. Maybe he won't. Maybe it was just a fluke. No… don't be stupid Mer… it's definitely still there. You know it is. He probably won't know what it is any ways… or what it means? If he did he would have said so. This is just… just stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it, and think of something else. Like… how you're going to piece yourself together for work on Monday? Yeah, that's a good idea. Or even better, how long you're gonna be able to pull it off before they kick you out of the program. _She released a long slow sigh. _Not thinking is probably a better idea than thinking about everything._ She was so concentrated on not thinking about anything, that by the time she felt the urge to yawn, she was already well overcome with the feeling that it slipped out against the little fight that she put up against it.

_Thinking about it… its not going to change… anything. _She felt the feeling to yawn again, this time stronger than before. _It… is… what… it... is._ She felt herself spacing out, overcome by the urge to sleep. _Sleeping… is better… than… obsessing..._

* * *

Derek didn't normally check up on his non-emergent patients in Radiology, though he happened to be free for the moment, and Meredith was well into the test at that point… and really, why the hell not? His day in the OR was going well, despite the cases he had scrubbed in on. One of his patients coded on the table, twice… but despite his grim odds, Derek had been able to revive him. There weren't many days that everything went absolutely perfect. Most of the time God had a funny way of showing him who exactly really was in charge. Or, at least, that's what his mother told him on the rare occasion that he unloaded his grief on her. Whether that was true or not, wasn't something that he was overly concerned about. Today was a beautiful day. And he had saved a life.

When he made it to the Radiology suit, the nurse at the front desk greeted him with a smile as she usually did, before he made his way past her and through a very heavy metal door. It was dark compared to the rest of the sunny hospital. His eyes scanned through the room noticing that only one MRI was occupied. Without much thought he crossed the yellow warning tape, and opened the door to the technician's room.

Meredith was in the MRI, separated from him by a thick plated window and yet another heavy plated metal door. All that was visible were her feet, covered haphazardly by a standard hospital blanket. If he had wandered into radiology without purpose, he would have never identified her.

As he stood taking in the different monitors, and listening to the light whir of the MRI, a new sound caught his ears, as he redirected his attention to the live video feed of Meredith sleeping peacefully inside the tube. Her eyes were shut delicately, her mouth open just a crack as her soft snores cascaded into the small microphone. He couldn't help the smile that came to his face. Her consciousness completely unaffected by the loud machine spinning around her.

The technician, aware of the surgeon's smile and apparent amusement at the snoring patient, laughed himself. "You know… I had to turn the volume down? This one snores louder than the actual machine."

She looked so peaceful, despite the noise and the circumstances. He couldn't laugh at her, though he nodded in agreement with the technician. "How much longer?"

"We are actually just about done. You came at a good time." He minimized a few different screens, before bringing up the scans that he was looking for. There was a moment where Derek had to remind himself to breathe. The anticipation at what he may or may not find in Meredith's scans sat on his chest like a giant weight. He wasn't sure what he was expecting. It had been several years since the last scan had been taken, and in that time frame many things could have happened. There was little symptom improvement, so he was doubtful that there was any significant change. Though, at the same time, she hadn't reported anything being much worse. The best case scenario would be for the spots to have disappeared, and that's what he decided to hope for.

The technician left the small control room to wake Meredith and take her from the tube leaving him free to click through the images that were just taken. Her spine looked clear. No lumps or lesions. L1-5 was good. T1-12, perfect. The C-spine was clear too. Everything looked good and he allowed himself a bit of confidence that everything cerebral was fine, too. Though that feeling was short lived.

He glanced up at the window just as Meredith was sitting up from the scan, he watched her yawn a groggy yawn, and stretch herself out before clasping the back of her hospital gown and setting her feet on the floor. He minimized the scan in question as the technician opened the heavy metal door letting Meredith slip inside. She smiled, the sleep still very clear on her face, as she nodded at him in greeting.

"Can you wait until I put real clothes on again. Since you're still here I thought we could talk about that… you know, before everything?" Her voice was hoarse from sleep but the nap that she had seemed to have refreshed her.

"Of course." He smiled back, not exactly sure how much more slack she would be giving him after he went over the results. "I'll wait."

He watched her pad away down a hall where they kept changing rooms, before he returned to the scan that had him so concerned.

There was a moment where he blinked several times, awed by the image in front of him. "That obviously isn't normal." The tech mumbled out softly, not wanting his words escaping past the brain surgeon.

"No… it really isn't."

* * *

The brain in front of him wasn't one that he normally saw. It had all the right anatomical features, except there were about a dozen white spots sporadically covering a wide area of the brain. Lesions. Her last scan had four lesions. They were medial and tiny… hardly anything if you didn't know what you were looking for, but now there were more. At least three times as many. Some were tiny, like the first four appeared in the first scan. Though, those were now bigger. There was minimal white-matter loss in the frontal lobe, but it was so minimal she was most likely asymptomatic. He hadn't noticed any acute motor or speech disturbances when he examined her, or even when speaking with her relatively.

But the scans didn't lie. They were all too telling.

"Dr. Shepherd?" The radiology technician whispered, tapping him on the shoulder lightly. "Uh, your patient is back." Derek's head snapped around to see Meredith standing behind him, her eyes narrowed at the scan he was staring reluctantly at.

She looked between him and the scan, looking and waiting for him to say something to make it all better. He couldn't find the right words to comfort her. The confusion and the fear flashed through her eyes, her look slicing right through him.

"Meredith… I…" his words came out breathy, with as much reluctance as he'd ever heard his throat muster. She just stood there, her eyes locked on to what his eyes had been locked on to.

"Wha—what is there to say? There isn't anything to say. I see it. This is real, right? I'm not… I'm not dreaming this?" Her voice was fragile against the walls of the small booth they were standing in. She shut her eyes, not wanting to see it anymore. Not wanting to see anything anymore. The way that he was looking at her was, once again, too much to handle. As was the truth displayed on the monitor.

"I—I have to be honest with you. I don't really know what this is. I don't know what this is, or why this is, or… or how to fix it. I need time to find an answer. I need time to research this, and I promise you… I'm not going to stop until I come to an explanation." It didn't feel like enough. Whatever was going wrong with her was something that was immensely wrong and immensely confusing. For him, but most of all, for her.

"Those are lesions right? A lot of lesions. A lot more than there were a few years ago. And they're bigger… and there are more?" She was rambling around trying to move the image from her mind, though the more she tried to blink it away the more it stayed.

"Yes. Those are the same lesions. They're the same lesions. Benign, from the myelin. It obviously correlates with the neurologic deficits you have in some of your other organs. I am sure of that." He wanted to reach out and comfort her, because no matter the front she was putting up for him, the vulnerability was bleeding through.

She let out a long sigh, as her eyes found his. As much as she hated the look he was giving her, she forced herself to face him, and his look, and the feeling that he was presenting for her. It was something that had been there, that she didn't face before, though now in the fate of her life being torn apart by his invigoration, she had to stop everything. She had to stop the train. "I think we're done, Dr. Shepherd." She took a few steps backward, away from him and the scans… away from the sudden reality she found herself confronted with.

"Wait… Meredith?" It was too late. The door was slamming shut behind her, as he called out her name. She wasn't coming back either. Not now, or ever. The scan was still up on the computer monitor taunting him. He looked at it, despite the fact that every detail was burned into his mind.

* * *

The sun was shining through the dark and shadowy rain clouds, as the rain drops pelted her skin in a slow steady rhythm with the beat of her shoes hitting the pavement beneath her feet. Somehow over the course of the two hours she had remained inside the MRI, clouds invaded the perfect Seattle day, sitting in hard contrast and imposing on what was. She was angry and frustrated. But most of all, she was sad. Her chest was tight with a captured sob, her breathing shallow and specific as she tried to hold on until she was in the privacy of her car. Away from the patients coming and going out of Seattle Grace Hospital. Her rage burned inside her. A feeling that she knew well. A feeling that she fought against, except for in her most vulnerable moments when the dark was too tempting and she let herself fall apart in a pile of tears and weakness. It wasn't a feeling she had felt for a long time, though now that it was back, she felt even more at peace for her decisions and even more content to never deal with Dr. Shepherd ever again.

The lights on her car flashed as she pressed the automatic lock. In one clean move the driver's side door was open and her purse was resting in the passenger's seat. The door shut with a loud bang, her emotions playing out in a physical show. For a moment she just sat there. Relishing in the silence that surrounded her, in the privacy of her car. The rain increased its slow steady beat against her windshield, her eyes brimming in defiance to her stuffed down emotions.

Now wasn't the time to think about this stuff. It wasn't the time to open old wounds and deal with old feelings. Why she had ever let Cristina talk her into see another doctor, no matter how gifted and talented Derek Shepherd was touted, was beyond her. In many ways, it angered her. It wasn't Cristina who she was angry with, it wasn't even Dr. Shepherd. She was angry at herself for believing that he was good for her. He was charming, and even at that very moment a part of her wished she'd stayed and let him mystify her with his soothing words. His soothing words that promised her better and his arrogance and defiance to fall in a line that had many predecessors. He was just one of many.

Taking in a big breath, she turned her car key in the ignition. She released the breath slowly as she proceeded out of the parking lot and onto the main road. In and out, in and out. This was going to be ok. Now, she knew things she wished she didn't… but at face value, she knew it all along anyway. This was just the confirmation. She wasn't lucky. She wasn't what religious people would call blessed. She was unfortunate and unlucky, and the opposite of everything everyone else was. Why wouldn't those white things in her brain still be there? There was never any sign that they had gone away—and the fact that she ever once hoped that they did made her feel even more like an idiot.

Happiness, and miracles, and all that hopeful cheerful crap rarely happened. At least, it rarely happened to people like her.

* * *

It wasn't until later that Derek finally pulled his car up the long gravely road to his house. The oversized mansion stood dark and shadowy under the dark cloudy sky. There wasn't a light on to illuminate his footsteps. For all he knew, a bear could be sitting on his porch swing, though from the mood of the evening he didn't really care. The day had fallen to pieces after Meredith left. His patient died in the ICU, and another patient he had hemorrhaged before they were able to get him to the OR. It was an all-around crappy ending to his day, and all he wanted to do was pour himself a glass of red wine and go to bed.

He shut the outside noise of the rain out, as he felt around in the dark for the light switch. Flipping all three at once he felt his pupils contract in the brightness. His big house. It stood empty in darkness majority of the time. He never had company, and the plans he had to share his home with someone fell through against everything that he fought hard for. He had found love once, and maybe that was the only chance he would ever have at it. Or, maybe the day was just getting to him and he was throwing himself a pitty party.

It was strange going from the loud busy hospital with its constant beeping and voices to the quiet of his house. He could hear the wine fall into the glass as he poured it, the sound of the glass lifting off of the table and the echo of his swallowing against his ears. The quiet was too much for his brain—a strange idea considering its constant workout at the hospital. The stillness gave him a headache.

He would shut his eyes and feel better in the morning—despite Meredith's MRI scans laying on his desk, further reminding him how much he didn't know about his job and how to truly help people. He still saw her face when she saw the scan, the look in her eyes and the frown on her face sketched deep into his memory. Her leaving and the pit of his stomach falling out as he called her name, trying to grab the chance to reason with her, and the opportunity to make things right, even though he had no idea how.

"It's bothering you too much." He said to himself in a low throaty whisper. The sound of his own voice filling the empty house. "You need to walk away, and let it go. Stop obsessing about it. Stop thinking about it. It's done."

He downed the rest of his wine before stalking off to his bedroom. His eyes heavy and in need of rest. He didn't bother changing out of his sweater or his jeans. He unclipped his pagers and his cellphone laying them gently on the nightstand, before burying his face in his pillow and falling into a dreamless slumber.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4: Hard Day's Night**_

Meredith knew the moment she saw Katie Bryce's parents that she didn't know what she was doing. They looked at her with so much hope and expectation, that she couldn't help but fumble her words. It was her first day as a real doctor. She wasn't just one of those people who have the degree and do nothing with it. She was a practicing physician now. Maybe she couldn't slice open an abdomen and repair someone's aortic aneurysm, but she was getting there, wasn't she?

As she made her way down the hall, her eyes frantically searched for Dr. Bailey. Even though Katie was her responsibility, Dr. Bailey was surely the better person to talk to her guardians. Her footsteps echoed against the tile under her shoes, her pace quickening as she found her resident standing at the nurse's station, thumbing through a chart, foreign to Meredith. She stood next to her, watching as the more experienced doctor continued with her chart, ignoring her presence, perhaps in an attempt to prove a point. Meredith took in a breath, as she tried to bundle up her confidence and courage to bother Dr. Bailey, which would result in an evitable verbal lashing.

"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith whispered, watching as her movements froze. She braced herself for what was to come, as she watched the irritation wash over Dr. Bailey's face.

"What do you want, Grey?" She slowly turned to look at her eyeing the timid intern.

Meredith's mind flashed to an earlier conversation. Bailey's words echoed in her mind, instructions about patients and when she should be bothered and when she shouldn't. "Katie Bryce's parents are here, and they would like to speak with her doctor."

"Well, aren't you her doctor?" Bailey grumbled, looking over to Meredith. Her eyes were impatient and cast in a scowl.

"Umm, I think they want to talk to the attending."

"Well, Dr. Nelson left this afternoon, you'll have to talk to Dr. Shepherd. He's the attending on her case now."

"Shepherd?" Meredith replied, her eyes growing large as she thought about having to work with Derek Shepherd on this case. After she had ran away from her MRI, she hadn't thought about having to work with him on a professional level. She didn't even think about having to see him again. But, now they worked in the same hospital, in the same department even, and no doubt she would be seeing a lot of him.

"Yes, Grey. Dr. Shepherd is now Katie's doctor. I shouldn't have to repeat myself twenty times for you to realize what I'm talking about." Bailey replied coldly, clearly running out of patience. "Don't just stand here!" She snapped, as she nudged Meredith. "Go talk to him… he's right over there."

Meredith felt her body being pushed in a direction that she didn't want to go. Her muscles tensed as she slowly began walking towards his familiar profile, Bailey's eyes were still glued to the back of her head, probably not willing to fully accept that she was actually carrying out her orders.

* * *

He was talking with several doctors, about something that Meredith couldn't hear. She stood waiting for him to finish, partly because she didn't want to be rude, and partly because she was perfectly ok with the fact that he wasn't aware of her presence. Of course, that was all short lived as he suddenly glanced up from the paper he was looking at, and made eye contact with her. Meredith took a few steps backwards as a smile came to his face. The overwhelming urge to run away took over her thoughts as she turned down one hallway and then another even though she knew it was too late and he had already seen her. There were footsteps coming in long sounding strides, close to her proximity, though she didn't dare to look behind her to see who's they belonged to. She knew it was him and that her little game of hide and seek was over.

"Meredith!" He called, rounding around one corner and then another, as he finally was able to catch up to her slowing pace. He was happy to see her at all, though the fact that she was there, in scrubs wearing a white lab coat made his discovery even better.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She whispered, not wanting their voices to echo past where they were standing in the stair well.

"I was hoping you'd still start today, considering what happened with your MRI."

Why did he have to bring it up? It's not like she had forgotten it, even though she was trying like hell to erase that day from her mind completely. Today was her first day as a doctor, and she was immersing herself in other people's problems as a way to forget about her own. Denial got her through college, it would get her through her internship, too.

Still, she didn't know how to respond to him as he looked at her waiting for a response. He was interfering in her denial. "You know, I think we should pretend it never happened?" She began,

"What do you mean it never happened?" He replied slowly, his eyes locked on her stare, as she watched them furrow in confusion and misunderstanding.

"I mean it never happened. The MRI? The lesions? I'd like to forget about the whole thing."

If he was being honest, he would admit to her that he wanted to forget it all too, the scan, the look on her face as she left, the mess in his office from her scattered paperwork. But, as most things in life go, once you know something that significant, you simply can't un-know it. "If you don't want me to tell anyone, you have my complete confidentiality. But… I don't know if I can pretend it never happened. I've never seen anything like that before. And I'm still going to try and piece this all together. But, I can't pretend it never happened."

"I am not your patient anymore. And you are not my doctor. So, if you're doing this out of obligation, I'm telling you that you are off the hook. Those lesions don't exist. Got it?"

He chuckled shaking his head slowly before his gaze found hers again. "I can't forget things as significant as that. But, if you don't want me to be your doctor anymore, I'll respect that."

"Good." She replied with a nod, staring at him, staring at her. She let out a frustrated sigh, as she folded her arms across her chest.

"What's wrong now?"

"You have got to stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm your patient. You can't look at me like you're looking at me now."

"Just so I've got this straight…" he began, his mouth forming a small smirk. " I need to forget about your MRI results, you're not my patient anymore… oh, and I'm not supposed to look at you. Is that all?"

He had a playful look on his face that was making her more and more irritated. It was better than the other look, but she would rather he didn't care about her at all. "I guess that's all." She mumbled, studying him with a quizzical look. There was an awkward moment of silence before she remembered why she needed to talk to him in the first place. "Katie Bryce's patents are here, and they would like to speak to you. They were asking me questions that I have no idea how to answer, and Bailey said that you're the attending on her case now so…"

"So we should go talk to our patient." He finished cheerfully, as he made his way back to the open hallway, in route to Katie Bryce's room.

This is only for today, Meredith thought as she followed him to Katie's room. Just today.

* * *

Meredith walked down the stairs quickly, not stopping until she reached the very bottom of the well. She was hoping to find the tunnels empty and a gurney to lie on as she fought against her pounding headache. She reached to push through the door, its loud creak making her head pound more, as the laughter on the other side mingled in her ears. She glanced to the gurneys that lined the brick wall of the hospital's underbelly, the light from the streetlights poured in through the windows. Cristina was looking at her from her spot on the gurney, as Izzie appeared to be napping on one as well.

"Could you walk any louder?" Cristina laughed as she studied Meredith with her own exhausted eyes.

"Me? You laugh like a hyena. Do you really have to laugh so loud?" Meredith sighed rubbing her temples as she slouched on another empty gurney. She shut her eyes trying to block out the little light that was intruding her space, relishing as the silence surrounded them.

Cristina yawned as she situated herself to a lying position. She glanced at Meredith, lying directly across from her, aware that something more was going on than she was relating. "So, I heard you were on with Shepherd today?" She muttered slowly, not sure of the reaction Meredith was going to give her, or if she was going to get one at all.

"Yeah…" Meredith sighed again, as she too situated herself so that she could see Cristina better. The air in the hospital basement was nippy, making her shiver against her will. She wrapped her arms around her chest, hugging in what little body heat she was able to generate.

"You do realize that everyone hates you now?" Cristina said, her voice coated in amusement. She expected her friend to reply something snarky back, though as Cristina noted, Meredith wasn't moving or blinking, or bothered in the least. "Hello…" Cristina sighed as she propped herself up on her elbow. "What's wrong with you? Working with Derek Shepherd on your very first day of internship is outstanding…" she said to her friend as Meredith turned her head and sighed.

"You can have him, if you want" Meredith sighed. "He's perky, and annoying. And we have too much of a history."

"What, after two appointments, you have too much history?" Cristina asked sarcastically, though her face was serious, as she made herself available for Meredith to talk to.

"Yeah." Meredith said, letting her head rest back against the plastic gurney mattress.

"And what constitutes this history?"

"He watches me, like I'm some kind of china doll. I told him that if this was going to work out professionally we needed to pretend the MRI never happened." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"So he's not pretending that you're a mess?" Cristina asked.

"I am not a mess… I am fine. How would you like an attending treating you like an invalid?"

"Don't they do that anyway?"

"He's not supposed to be nice to me. He's supposed to be an ass. He's supposed to yell at me and tell me that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. But he's nice. Heck, he's too nice. And the only reason he's being nice is because he knows me. He knows everything about me."

"He's too nice? Cristina repeated, not wanting to say exactly what she was thinking.

"Exactly… that's my issue." Meredith whispered.

"Issue? You call that an issue?"

"Yep." She replied.

Cristina let out a long winded sigh, before lying flat on her gurney again.

"What, you don't think that's an issue?"

"No!" Cristina replied with a forceful laugh. "Shepherd being nice to you, isn't a problem. God, Meredith you need to stop being so paranoid."

"I am not paranoid!" Meredith replied. "It's a… ripple thing. A—a ripple effect, Cristina. Guess how much more they're going to hate me when they see that he's nice to me?"

"So?"

"So… what happens if I'm the only one he's nice to? Because he's all nice and guilty because I have the thing. And the interns hate me. And Bailey hates me. Bailey really hates me."

"Ok, Miss Paranoia!" Cristina exclaimed with a laugh. "I was joking when I said we hated you. They could care less… maybe."

"Maybe, I'm not paranoid… and you know when you and Iz went to get lunch the other day after orientation, he came over to talk to me? All concerned and hovery and whatever." Meredith said her rambling coming out in fast lines. She brought her hand to her face as she shook her head.

"So, he's friendly?" Cristina replied nodding. "I really think you're over thinking this, Mer."

"I am such a loser." Meredith whispered as her beeper suddenly cascaded a very loud piercing sound that echoed around their surroundings. Meredith moaned, slowly sitting up and coming to her feet.

"Better you than me…" Cristina muttered, as she shut her eyes, the noise reminding her that sleeping would probably be in her best interest.

"It's 911 for Katie Bryce. I've gotta go…" Meredith exclaimed as she made her way back to the stairs. She took them two at a time, the headache she had stung against each step, though she willed herself not to listen to it.

* * *

Meredith ran faster than she thought she could run, weaving through the hall around people and nurses as she rushed to get to Katie's room. At first the chaos made her feel dizzy, the darkness and the dreamy feeling from lack of sleep made her feel light and airy as she gasped for breath, pushing her way through the mass of physicians and nurses. Dr. Shepherd was standing over Katie with the defibrillation paddles, getting ready to shock her chest.

"Charge to 360! Clear!" He called, glancing at the heart monitor to see if there was any change in the patient's cardiac electrical activity. Meredith fought the urge to vomit as he looked over at her. The stern set expression on his face was something that she hadn't experienced before, though if only for a split second. The seconds felt like hours as they all looked to the monitor, waiting for the electrical activity to change and start affecting Katie's heart in a functional way. "I see normal sinus, but she's brady… what does she need, Mer—uh, Dr. Grey?"

"Ah… she's brady? Give another amp of epi."

"You heard the doctor, give her another amp." He nodded toward her in reassurance, causing a wave of relief to wash over her. "Katie? Katie? It's Dr. Shepherd…"

Meredith was gripping the foot of Katie's bed, the room spinning around her intensified her nausea. The noise in the room became hallow, as she felt all the color drain from her face. Nurses were staring at her. Dr. Shepherd was staring at her, saying something that she couldn't quite comprehend, though she was sure it was directed at Katie more than it was for her.

"Uh…" She interrupted, watching Derek turned toward her, ready to listen to what she was about to say. "I've gotta… I'll be…" She didn't have time to finish as her stomach turned and she felt the undying urge to vomit right there in the patient's room. She rushed clumsily towards the door, rushing quickly towards the ladies room, though the front doors of the hospital were closer. The electric doors separated to allow her access, as she felt the bile rising in her throat before she vomited in the decorative hospital shrubbery. There was a moment where she felt better, and the noises of the hospital clouded in around her once again, the cold air hit her hot cheeks sending a thrill down her spine.

"See?" Shepherd's familiar voice said, his presence surprising her, the embarrassment of the situation made her already hot cheeks glow red as she tried to regain herself. "This is why I can't pretend I don't know you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Her voice cracked against the burn of her throat. She pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ears and out of her face before she looked up at him.

"What do you think Bailey would say to you if she found out you were out here defaming hospital landscaping? Or, even worse… running out on a code?" He tilted his head to one side as he looked at her up and down as if trying to decide what to do with her.

"I would probably be put on scut… or worse… I don't know. I didn't mean to leave… I…"

"I know you didn't. I know that vomiting out here is better than vomiting in front of a patient. I understand that. But those doctors and nurses in there don't. We can't pretend that you're normal, Meredith."

"What are you saying? That I have no business being in this program? That I should just go home and stay home… let you come in and be the hero?"

"No, I just… I can help you. I want to help you, but you won't let me. Let me help you."

"I don't need your help. I am fine." Her words came slowly in a puff of anger and frustration. "If you want me to talk to Chief Webber I will. If you want me to talk to Bailey, I will. But, I don't need your help." Her words were deliberate and forceful as she tried to fight against the limitations that the world had put on her so long ago. "Honestly," she began her cold stare bearing into his soft blue eyes. "I don't understand your fascination with this. It's done. I don't need your help."

He rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed at her disapproval of him. He let out a long sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair. There was silence between them except for the echoing of the Seattle traffic in the distance, and the slow pitter patter of ran hitting the parking lot.

"I'll talk with the Chief in the morning. Is that good enough for you?" He blinked twice, surprised that she was relinquishing a little bit of her iron grip. Maybe he was getting through to her.

"It's a start." He nodded watching her stomp past him angrily through the hospital doors. She was determined to ignore this, and in the process she was shutting out his help and the help of their coworkers. He understood why she was defensive. People got defensive in the face of losing everything, and he didn't know how to change that. Maybe she just needed time. She needed time to realize that she did have people on her side.

"Let it go, Derek. She doesn't want your help." He said to himself after a number of moments. He ran another hand through his messy hair the comfort of being alone separated from everything on the other side of the glass made him feel comfortable enough to start talking to himself, though he knew the insanity it coated him with. But, he couldn't let it go. He knew that somewhere in the vast hospital she was in there feeling things he couldn't even imagine. She was right, it would be so easy to just conveniently ignore her existence. To forget everything that he knew about her, and just move on simply and professionally at a different dynamic. But what good would that do her at the end of the day?


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5: The Great Pretender**_

_One Week Later…_

"How long do you think he's going to let you pretend?" Cristina asked as she slipped her scrub shirt over her head, fluffing her dark curls over her shoulders.

It had been about a week since their very first shift. The shift that seemed like it went on forever had ended abruptly with Bailey pushing them all out the door and telling them not to come back for ten hours. It was weird to be wanted and needed and then nothing… but that's what a surgical internship is. For the next five years they were no more than indentured servants—until one day they get the keys and the driver's seat is theirs to man.

"He hasn't said anything, and I've seen him around a lot. I swear all he does is ride that freakin' elevator all day long." Meredith laughed, though it sounded cheap and forced. "If he isn't going to say anything, than neither am I."

"And how long do you think you'll be able to pull this off?"

"For as long as I have to."

There was a look that passed over Cristina's face. A look of amusement and skepticism. There was a moment that she looked as if she was going to say something, against what Meredith wanted to hear, but was interrupted by the presence of Dr. Bailey, sauntering into the locker room more than ready to give out orders.

"Alex you're running the code team. Meredith you're in the pit. Cristina you're running labs, and Izzie you're on sutures."

"At least sutures are better than rectal exams all day." Izzie said under her breath.

"Excuse, me?" Bailey barked, a low angry tone in her voice as her eyes ran up and down the now timid blonde.

"Uh—what I mean is…" Izzie swallowed against her dry throat trying to come up with a save for herself, though she couldn't think of any. "I just thought—you know, since this is a surgical program? I—I thought there would be more… surgeries."

"No, no, no! Surgery is NOT your job! Surgery is MY job! YOUR job is doing what I tell you to do! YOUR job is to jump when I say jump! Your question shouldn't be why, it should be HOW HIGH!"

There was a strong uncomfortable silence that fell upon the small group, their eyes studying Izzie in a menagerie of cold stares and blaming looks.

"Does anyone else have any more questions?!" Bailey paused looking at the four daft faces of her interns. "No? THEN MOVE!"

* * *

Meredith sat at the nurse's station, her elbows resting on the large desk. Her chin was relaxed in the palms of her hands as her eyes slowly scanned the handful of patients occupying the row of curtained rooms. Dr. Knox had alienated her to the front nurse's station, requesting that she stay away from any trauma cases, unless of course he requested her help. Only being a week on the job, she knew he wouldn't. At the moment doing sutures with Izzie didn't sound half bad. Heck, even running the code team where over 80% of the patients are not revivable sounded better than spending all day sitting around. But, in light of something coming in through the ambulance bay, she was willing to sit there all afternoon if it gave her the minuscule chance of getting in the OR. So what if the nurses were staring, she was determined to get in on a surgery, to witness something exhilarating. Maybe someone would come in with a GSW? Or, an MVA? Maybe someone would come in needing a splenectomy? Maybe this, and maybe that. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

"It's one of those days…" she heard a familiar voice behind her say. She looked over her shoulder to see Derek grinning at her. He watched her posture go from one of relaxation to one of stress, though he ignored her almost immediate reaction to him and continued on. "I was here all weekend. You know what I did?" He asked as he sat in the empty chair next to her. He looked at her, realizing that she wasn't the least bit interested in how his weekend had gone.

"I got paid for watching football." He chuckled shaking his head, still not caring that she had nothing to say to him. "If I ever reconsider being a brain surgeon, I'll try to remember all the days I got paid for watching a lousy football game."

He looked over at her again, unable to contain the small smirk that was appearing on his face. Her grey eyes were looking back at him. The silence she was admitting strange, even for her standards.

"So…" he began cautiously, her hard stare made him slow his words, as he braced himself for her reaction. "It's been a week and you still haven't talked to anyone."

"No." Meredith replied quietly, biting the inside of her lip.

"No?" Her one word answer caught him off guard. "I thought we had an agreement? I'm keeping up my end of our deal. You have to keep yours, too."

Meredith let out a sigh, as she found herself relatively speechless. It wasn't that her mind wasn't overflowing with things to say to Dr. Shepherd. She had more than enough to say to him, though she didn't know where to start. She could go on and on about her patient rights, and how she was taking care of the situation and that it really didn't require his help or anyone else's. The truth was that she wouldn't be able to stay this strong forever. And that eventually she would need some kind of help. Even if she didn't want it. "Where do I even begin?" She whispered, diverting her eyes to the random papers on the desk. "I don't even know where to begin. And it's hard enough being in this program anyways, without you making everything more complicated."

"Me?" He replied. His tone set in mock defense.

"Yes, you. You and your—you-ness. You're everywhere. You're in the elevator. You're in the pit…" She rambled, springing from his statement and her overcrowded mind.

"You know, I do work here." He interrupted, though she didn't pay any heed.

"It's like everywhere I look, there you are. You need to pick a side, because you are driving me insane. You can't be both my friend and my teacher."

It was obvious in her tone that she had applied a lot of deep thought and consideration to the conversation that they had a few days earlier. A lot of deep thought that he hadn't considered, though maybe it was true. If it was any other intern, he probably would've played the bad guy by now. He probably would have already had a conversation with the Chief and whoever, though with Meredith things were different. They shouldn't be, but they were. "Pick a side?"

"Yes." She affirmed with a nod and hesitation. "You'll either have to keep my secret, or rat me out."

"I'll pick a side…" he affirmed, with even more reluctance than Meredith was displaying. "… when you talk to Bailey."

"I'm not talking about this anymore. If you're going to be stubborn about the choice I'm giving you…"

"Me, stubborn!?" He laughed. "I'm trying to help you help yourself. If anyone is stubborn, it's you."

She giggled at his accusation, a sound that was supposed to suggest humor sounded dark in this context. "I'm telling you I've got it under control."

There wasn't much to say to her that would be right in the setting that they were in. Though in place of words, Derek looked at Meredith cynically, amused by her avoidance and denial. "You know, de Nile is a river in Egypt."

"Ok. Just stop. I am fine. Seriously." She was about to stand up and walk away, but as she came to her feet there was an abrupt dizziness that came over her as her vision went dark. There were some moments that felt like forever, where she could see nothing, or hear nothing as her ears rang against the blood rushing away from her brain. When her vision came back she was once again sitting in the chair, staring eye to eye at Derek whose hands were cupping her shoulders protectively.

"Are you still fine… because it looks like you almost fainted?" His eyes were worried as he noticed the color drain from her features and her eyes lose the feisty spark that she had just a few moments before.

Meredith knew she lost all her leeway to argue with him, as his hands continued to grip her shoulders keeping her from making any sudden movements, or being able to flee. She let out a sigh, as she tilted her head back against the chair. A small amount of gratitude bloomed in her mind, though she would never thank him for his help. "I'll go get my fluids when I take lunch." She acknowledged.

Nodding was his only reply, as his mind still reeled in the moment before. "9% saline might not be enough. You're probably low in glucose too. You look clammy."

"Well, then I'll drink a ginger ale." She replied, less than enthused that she was letting him doctor her.

"Good." He smiled at her spunk, relieved that she had her sarcasm back. "You're back to being you." He gently brushed her face with his thumb, feeling her cold skin under his fingers. _Doctors are supposed to be calm. But I'm not. _He felt his heart thumping in his chest, the adrenalin still flowing through his veins as he watched her body adapt back to its normal flow. He didn't understand his irrationality when it came to her. The way that she looked at him as he stooped in front of her trying to make sure she was alright, he knew that she was questioning his concern, just like he was. But, he couldn't stop.

* * *

It wasn't more than a half hour later that Derek found himself at the lab window ordering her fluids himself. He made exceptions for very few people in his life, and for some reason, Meredith was one of those very few people. This was a girl that he was willing to lie for. Well, not exactly lie… but, almost. When he ordered her "special fluids" he ordered them for Jane Doe. He had signed himself out of the OR, all for the sake of making sure that she didn't dehydrate herself to the point of illness. As he walked through the halls, down corridors and stairwells, carrying an IV kit and the bag of fluid, he tried to piece together what this situation had become. What he had become in the situation.

In many ways she was right. He had to pick a side, because functioning the way they were was awkward and unusual. He couldn't be everything. He could only be one. He could chose to be friendly, or professional. He wasn't the kind of guy to obsess over how he treated people, though the way he operated was very methodical. He was practical and careful, and she brought out a side of him that he wasn't familiar with, at least not in a professional way. She made it all blurry and the more he was around her the blurrier everything got.

The place she agreed to meet him was a little unusual. It smelt musty and old, broken wheel chairs and gurneys lined the walls, waiting for repairs, or to be disposed of. The place she wanted to meet him was ironic in that she was broken, in her own way, too.

"You know," she called as she spotted his figure walking with quick steps in her direction, "I could have had Cristina do this. I thought you had to be in surgery?"

"I gave it to Holmes… it was his case to begin with. I was just assisting." He sat down in a wheel chair next to her own, using a gurney as a table for his supplies. "I didn't grab a pump, so this should be done in about twenty minutes on gravity." He opened the IV pack, spreading out all of his supplies in an organized fashion. The fact that she was watching him, not ignored.

"I guess I should feel special that a brain surgeon is putting in my IV." She replied lightheartedly, making him grin. She got sarcastic when she was nervous, though she did feel special. She'd be the first to complain that he was giving her too much, watching out for her too much. Cristina called him a stalker, the irony in how many times he approached her during the course of a day not lost to Meredith either. In many ways, his presence in her hiding spot was annoying. But there was a mustard seed of gratitude, and it was growing. She wasn't going to pretend to be blind. She noticed the concern he had in his eyes after she had blacked out. The way he held her shoulders, keeping her from completely making a scene. And now, here he was.

He smiled at her, his eyes containing a sparkle. It was always there when he looked at her. He knew she hated when he looked at her with too much sympathy. But, now what he thought was sympathy felt like something different. "Well, you know? There is no such thing as a small procedure."

She held out her arm for him to find a vein, even though she knew it would be hard. His light touch caressed over every inch of her skin, his expert eyes searching for a bouncy streak of blue to poke. "I'm a hard stick…" she began, as he started to look at the back of her arm, before reaching for the blue rubber tourniquet.

"I think I found a trooper." He exclaimed, reaching for the chlora-prep wand, breaking the seal and rubbing the cool antiseptic over the perfect spot. "Here's a lesson, when in doubt go for the basilic vein. It's a secret I learned from a nurse my intern year."

She watched him slide on the familiar blue gloves that she had worn many times in the past week. He reached for the needle and a saline flush before returning to her arm, preparing for the stick.

"I'll be sure to remember that… next time… I have to place an IV. I've put in more IV's this week than I thought that I would ever have to. I mean… it's not that big of a deal. I really should… practice more. I'm just not that… experienced." She was hardly fazed at needles by now, though no matter how comfortable she felt with them, it still made her just a tad bit anxious.

"Done." He said softly, pushing an mL of saline through for good measure. "How does that feel?"

She barely had time to blink, and he was telling her he was done. She watched as he secured the line with tegaderm and surgical tape before she moved her arm as if there was nothing there. "You are right, this is a good spot."

"Nurses never lie about these things… at least when you're as charmingly handsome as I am." He winked at her, as he slid his gloves off one at a time. He had the tubing for the IV bag, already primed and ready to administer. "This shouldn't take too long…"

"Twenty minutes." She confirmed his earlier statement with a quick nod and a small smile. She watched him, waiting for him to leave, though he continued sitting in his own wheelchair, staring back at her.

"Don't you have to go? Don't you… have other patients to… look at?"

He chuckled at her joke, shaking his head, as he rubbed his hand over his mouth. "I'm not invited to stay? I mean, it's going to be done in twenty minutes. By the time I get scrubbed in I'll have to come back and take it out."

She watched him incredulously, as if trying to bring out an ulterior motive. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she folded her arms across her chest, as if in a display of defiance towards his moderation. Though all she saw in him was indifference. He didn't care that she didn't want him around. He was staying anyways. There wasn't a trace of doubt written on his features; his sharp blue eyes stayed casted on her in a caring, yet tolerable way. His lips pursed, as if holding back a smile—or, even worse a laugh. "Do you think this is funny?" She finally let herself speak after a handful of minutes, as she watched his pursed lips grow tighter before he erupted in laughter. His laugh echoed through the corridors of the hospital underbelly. A laugh that came deep from his core.

He didn't know what he was laughing at exactly. Maybe it was the look on her face, or the situation that he found himself in general. He didn't administer IV boluses in the hospital basement. He didn't intrigue himself in patients to the extent that he was intriguing himself in her. This was different and it felt good, and maybe he should step back a little and relax. Maybe being friendly was the right choice for this situation.

Meredith smiled her own small smile, watching his face turn red as he lost his breath and slowly regained his composure. She looked at him from the corner of her eye, her small smirk transforming into a full smile, his eyes settling on her, teasing out a giggle. It was a melodious sound, her giggle something he had never heard, her smile something that he hadn't really had the chance to witness. She seemed so guarded all the time. He wouldn't go as far to call her sad… but, she had a certain serious quality in her demeanor. He watched her eyes close tight, her laughter still rapturing through her small frame, her body language loosening as her cheeks grew rosy. She was laughing so hard that she hadn't noticed that he was no longer laughing with her. Rather, he was sitting in awe of her laughter, realizing now that he had initiated something that hasn't happened in a very long time.

"Gee, did the lab give me the wrong bolus?" Derek teased, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, as he watched Meredith slowly calm down from her fit of hysterical laughter.

She took in a few breaths, trying to gain her composure as her smile was replaced with a look of contentment. He looked amused by her fit, the goofy smirk on his lips tempted her laughter again, though she was more in control and was able to overcome the feeling. "Nope, I think I've just reached a mental break."

"Aww, don't say that. Laughing is better than crying." Derek nodded, feeling as if he was validating something more for her, than what she was leading on.

"Hmm, well… I don't know. Laughing is a little bit less obvious. At least it doesn't leave your eyes red and puffy." She said, wiping some residual laughter tears out of the corner of her eyes.

He didn't have anything to say to her in return, except for a curt nod. He didn't know how to pull her out of the hole of sorrow and sadness that she fell so easily into. He assumed that it was easier for her to wallow around him. As he was a small reminder of her troubles, and perhaps even a murdered hope that she had, even if she would be the last one to admit to it. He watched as she avoided his gaze, her own eyes scanned around the areas at the different equipment. Seemingly at every nook and cranny except for his face. As if she felt the small spark that he had, and the familiarity was too much.

"You know… I don't want to bring up what you're avoiding… but I haven't stopped thinking about your problem." There was a moment where her eyes flashed to his again, holding on in a way that was more vulnerable than he had yet to see. They stared into his own eyes, reflecting hope and pleading with him not to abandon her. They didn't turn away, and perhaps he was slowly taming her, slowly letting her know that she could trust him and she was slowly letting him know her in return. She opened her mouth, as if wanting to speak, her eyes averting from his for a moment, before turning to look again. She didn't say anything so he felt the leisure to continue, the words he lost briefly found. "I can't turn away from you, I want to… but, I can't." What was he saying and why was he telling her this?

"Thanks… for this." Meredith replied softly, trying to bring him away from sentimentality and heavier topics, though she could sense that he wasn't done with his speech.

Derek shook his head, looking at her for a brief second before turning to stare at his shoes. "You don't have to thank me. It's really not that big of a deal. I mean, a twenty minute drip… "

"No… no, I mean… what I mean is…" She couldn't bring her tongue to express her gratitude towards him. She knew once she said what she was thinking one million things would change for her. One million things were already changing. He knew that she was pulling a lot of effort in letting him help her. But their interactions were becoming more personal than work related. "I'm not giving you permission to stalk me around the hospital, but… what I mean is. I… appreciate your help."

"You do?" He replied, feeling more accomplished than he ought to—his efforts to get her to give him a chance more gratifying than he thought it would.

"Yes. I do." She nodded smiling again at his daft surprise. "I mean… like I said, you still don't have the right to baby me, or tell anyone about anything. But… it would be nice to have someone to help figure this thing out, or whatever."

"A research buddy?" He said, tossing the idea around his head, another crooked smirk appearing on his lips.

"Well… I don't know about the buddy part…"

"So is this you asking me to be your doctor again?"

"Ummm, you could say that, I guess. I mean, it's not like you listened to me when I told you to go way, anyway." She let out a small sigh as she continued to be open minded.

"Point proven." He smiled reaching out to take her hand in his. "I'll be the best research buddy you could ever ask for."

"Yeah?" She questioned, giving him her hand, expecting them to shake on their agreement, though he squeezed in gently between his own fingers. "Let's not get too ahead of ourselves…"


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6: What's the Drawback?**_

Derek sipped his coffee as he leisurely thumbed through his newest patient's chart, his eyes scanned the wording, though the words barely registered in his mind. It was a typical day at Seattle Grace. The OR board was full to the max, the overflow making his day all the more complicated as he shoveled out time for the patients he had to watch, and turned away patients that weren't critical. He loved his job, but on certain days he wished that everything would just stop for a moment or two. Long enough for his mind to feel empty instead of being stretched in several different directions.

He was about to pick up the white board marker when Mark came strolling down the hall, an impish grin on his face. "Damn! What the hell happened?"

"A five car pile-up on the freeway, someone stalled and…"

"No, not that." Mark chuckled shaking his head. "I mean what the hell happened to you?" He looked Derek up and down as if trying to appraise his situation. His friend looked well that day. Like he had actually gone home and slept in his own bed. He had shaved, too. And there was a strange, yet pleasant odor, emanating from his body. Aftershave, maybe? Mark didn't know. Though he did know that Derek was acting odd.

"What do you mean, what happened to me? I'm fine."

"There's a new girl in the picture, right? Do I know her? Because if I know her…"

"There's no girl, at least not in the way you think."

"But there is a someone?" Mark continued, folding his arms across his chest. "You're being very evasive if there isn't one." His grin was suggestive and vaguely dirty, as Derek glared at him from the corner of his eye.

"She's not anything… she's just… you know what, the idea of having a completely platonic relationship with a person of the opposite sex eludes your mental abilities."

"Ooooh, now you're getting defensive. I'll work it out of you one way or another! You're forgetting that I am an expert in these situations. I'm like the Dalai Lama of love."

"Ah, so that's what you call it?" Derek laughed, stepping away from the OR board, shaking his head at his friend's vanity. "You know if I ever get to the point of needing any sexual advice from you… I'll think twice."

Mark let out a hard grunt, as he followed his friend down the hall and into an elevator. He slipped his hand inside as the doors started to close. "So, I was wondering if you'd like to hit Joe's after work. It's been weeks since we let loose…"

"I can't. I have other plans." Derek shrugged, as he pressed the button for the sixth floor.

Mark's grin reappeared again, at Derek's lack of eye contact and focus. "You mean you have a date with mystery girl."

Derek let out another sigh willing the elevator to go faster to its destination, so that he could leave with his dignity still intact. "Once again, it's not a date. And once again I am telling you, you wouldn't get it."

"Now, see, you're not really giving me the benefit of the doubt. I can be mature. Hell, I am very mature. I've been more mature than you on several different occasions. Just because I like to have fun, doesn't mean I'm immature. We're both in our 40's and still single. Not just me. We're really not that different, Derek. I know you think you're better—but you're not."

The elevator doors opened, allowing Derek to finally flee a small smirk on his lips as he listened to Sloan's comment. "Like I said," he called back just as the elevator doors were closing with Mark still inside the cab, "you wouldn't understand this."

* * *

It was twilight when Derek finally returned to his office. Two coffees in hand, his cell phone glued to his ear, as he listened to his mother talk about things he wasn't necessarily fond of.

"I'm not saying this to make you feel obligated, Derek. I'm just asking if you'd be willing to host. That's all." He hated the feeling of pressure he was getting from his mother. Every year, for as long as he could remember, she hosted Thanksgiving at her house. His sisters would all make the voyage back to New York, with many small children and husbands in tow. The house that stood calm and lethargic would buzz with voices and excitement once again, as the Shepherd family reconnected after months of being apart.

Derek normally liked the holidays. After Thanksgiving to well after Valentine's Day, he had the pleasure to work on some pretty complex cranial bleeds, due to the ignorance of holiday enthusiasts combined with the presence of ice. He also wouldn't deny that he did minimally enjoy catching up with his family, seeing how big his many nieces and nephews had gotten over the course of the year and hear of everyone's endeavors. Though as time had passed and certain things changed within his career and within his relationships, he found that making the trip back to New York was difficult.

"You really wanna bring everyone out to Seattle?" He whined into the phone feeling like a child again. He heard his mom let out a frustrated sigh, as he imagined her pointed expression.

"From what I hear, you have a big beautiful house with more than enough spare room. It's been years since you've been to Thanksgiving."

"And why has it been years?" He sighed, not feeling like digging in the past. He was over that loss and that heartache and in some ways he thought he was a better man for it. That didn't mean he liked to revisit his past pain, a topic that his sisters all but obsessed over.

"I know that during your divorce, your sisters picked sides. I am sorry you felt hurt, but it's time to move forward."

"That's not the problem. The problem is that I'm trying to move forward. I've tried many times to move forward and they won't let me."

"They just..." she began to reply, though she was quickly silenced by the frustrated tone in her son's voice.

"I shouldn't say they... Nancy. It's Nancy. No one will ever compare to Addie in Nancy's eyes."

"And there is nothing you can do to fix that, Derek. This is your life. You know how much I love you, you know how much we all love you. Nancy just..."

"Needs to learn when to stop..." He interrupted again.

"Would you let me finish? You need to learn to stop interrupting. " She scolded him out of habit; a frown appeared on her lips even though her son couldn't see it 3000 miles away. "If Nancy takes grief with your life, where you're at now, who you're with... that is on Nancy."

Derek let out a frustrated sigh, massaging his middle and forefingers into his left temple. "I just don't want to deal with any of it. The sisters, the children, buying and cooking."

"Kathleen said she'd fly over ahead of everyone to make sure things are in order. You really have nothing to worry about." she tried to soothe Derek's racing thoughts and assumptions.

"Then why isn't Kathleen hosting?" He tried to argue, though he knew he was losing.

"You're saying you would fly to Philadelphia?" She asked, her voice coated in skepticism.

"No, I guess I wouldn't." He replied knowing he had been defeated. A day that he was planning on spending at the hospital had instantly morphed into a week's long affair. He knew that by the time they all arrived in Seattle, together in a new city, it would take all the patience in the world waiting for them to all filter out of his life. It wasn't that he didn't love his sisters. Or, his nieces and nephews. Or, even his brothers-in-law. Derek preferred to limit the unneeded stress and the unneeded negativity from his life, an aspect that his sisters all but loved to bring out. He could handle his ex-wife, his sisters, not so much.

His mother, knowing she had won, began to list dishes and items that would need to be purchased to host his entire family. He was off his shift; sitting at his desk with his "Meredith Saga" displayed out in front of him. She was coming to meet him to make lists and ruminate ideas back and forth. He had found something interesting that he couldn't wait to share with her. An attending listening to an intern, a patient and her doctor sitting down after work hours to talk and "work" wasn't typical. It was strange, even to him, and he was the one initiating the meetings. Though, truth be told, he had begun to rely on their solemn interaction, and though their contact was casual and very much like work for him, it was very quickly becoming his favorite part of the week.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, are you paying any attention to what I am saying?" His stream of thoughts halted when he heard his name, his mother not sounding overly amused on the other end of the connection.

"Uh…" he fumbled trying to come up with a valid excuse when he heard a light tap on his office door, a small smile appeared through his frustrated features when he saw Meredith quietly peek through the door. "Ma, I'm gonna have to call you back… I have someone here to see me." There was no waiting for an "I love you" or a "goodbye" from his mother, as he ended the call and clipped his cellphone back on his belt. He knew their next phone conversation would be full of questions about his attitude and comments about his work situation. But, in the moment his mind was on one track, and it was proving impossible to derail.

* * *

When she agreed to let Derek be her research buddy, she wasn't aware that it entailed this much work. Meredith thought that research buddy simply meant a brief conversation over a bag of D5 in the hospital basement. But apparently he had a lot more in mind.

When he first invited her to his office after work, she was hesitant. "Ooohh!" Cristina had laughed, when she mentioned it to her over lunch in the cafeteria. "He's sure interested in you. Better watch it Mer, he might want your spotty brain for his collection."

At that point, Meredith was sure she wasn't going to meet him and even had a letdown speech with elaborate hand gestures planned, to get out of it. Then she saw all the work and thought he was putting into her and her situation, he had good ideas. Ideas that she would have never thought of on her own, as she found she was being pulled in to it more than she wanted to be. She had found herself in his office many times since their first planned meeting, and he had her hooked, much against her better judgment.

It was easy to sneak away from her friends, as they waited for her to meet them at Joe's. It was a good strategy. As they waited for her to meet them, they slowly drank themselves into oblivion; forgetting her existence, let alone their plans. In sobriety though, Cristina was starting to realize that she was hiding something, and it took all the self-control in the world not to give up her secret. Meredith knew she wasn't exactly doing anything wrong. They were, as Derek pointed out on several different occasions, research buddies. But, that still didn't change the feeling she got in the pit of her stomach, as she looked over her shoulder for the umpteenth time, to make sure no one was watching her. Doctor's do these kinds of things all the time, she rationalized. Then why did she feel so strange about it? He was hard not to get hooked on and she didn't really have any valid reason to stop meeting with. Or, at least not a proven reason.

Tonight, like every other night they met, she slipped off the elevator and down the hall towards his office. Her heart thumped in her ears as she tried to rationalize against her conscience that what she was doing was ethical and perfectly ok. She was surprised to see his office door cracked open, his voice filtering through the crack as she knocked on the door, before she peeked her head inside.

"Hey!" She greeted him quietly as she watched him abruptly end the phone conversation he was having. "I could have come back later?" He smiled at her, a questioning look on his face, as if he was confused by her comment. "The phone?" She pointed out, as she sat down in the chair opposite his desk.

"Oh… that. That was my mother. No, trust me… you came at the right time." He smiled, reaching behind his large desk, retrieving two coffees. The cup was typical of that from the coffee cart at the front entrance, though she felt her brow furrow as she watched him set one of the coffees in front of her with a smirk, before taking out a tablet with a poorly written list on it.

"Um…" She began, having difficulty finding her words. It wasn't that she didn't drink coffee, or that she didn't want it. She wanted it more than she would care to admit, the idea of drinking it more than pleasing. "You didn't have to get me anything."

He looked up from his tablet, letting it fall to his desk. "I didn't want to get myself coffee and not have anything to offer you. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to." He smiled kindly with a slight affirming nod. He had become accustomed to her over the last few weeks, and with exception of the medical details, he was becoming a bit of a Meredith expert. He knew not to push himself. He knew not to imply that he was thinking anything. Derek knew that he was safest taking the middle of the road with Meredith. He still did things that she didn't expect him to—the coffee being a prime example—but, as she stared back at him, a small smirk of her own threatened to turn the corners of her mouth in a full smile, she felt relaxed. She felt like she could be herself with Derek, and he wasn't going to judge her for it. He wasn't going to label her an invalid and keep her from the one thing that she had come to love in life. With everyone else she felt like she was walking on egg shells. She felt as though she had to try harder than she ought, to persuade them that she was fine and that she was capable. But Derek didn't expect anything from her. She didn't have to pretend around him, she was learning. There was still a part of her that held on to the fear that he would judge her, but he also encouraged the part that needed a release.

She popped off the lid, graciously, taking a small sip of the brew. The heat trickling down her throat settling in her core, she let out a content sigh, as she watched him search through his brief case.

"I found this in the research library over the weekend." He announced as he pulled out a stapled pack of papers that he gently laid in front of her, his eyes wide with excitement as she eyed the heading carefully.

She had seen and read a lot of medical journal entries, but there was something different about this one. "I've never heard of…" She stopped herself unsure of how to approach the odd acronym. She looked up at Derek who was drumming his finger-tips nervously on the edge of his desk. They had read a lot of papers and had sent away a lot of blood work, but through all that she hadn't seen him look so eager.

"MNGIE." He provided, taking the papers back. "Mitochondrial Neuro-Gastrointestinal Encephalopathy. I hadn't heard of it either. It's something to think about, though." He supplied, still with an overeager gleam in his eye.

"It's something to think about if the Ehler Danlos testing comes back negative. And, don't forget, we should be getting the Scleroderma results back on the 15th." She hoped that reminding him of those other two pending results would bring him back to earth. She wasn't used to him looking so concrete and so sure about things. He was making her excited against her better judgment. Though the odds of his rare find actually being an explanation were slim.

"This is a lot more… a lot more intricate than Ehler Danlos." He said, as he stood up from his desk. Somewhere in their conversation he started using her dramatic hand gestures. Meredith sat wide eyed, watching his enthusiasm as he paced the perimeter of his office. "This… this is MNGIE. This has to do with mitochondria."

"Ehler Danlos had to do with collagen production… this has to do with cellular energy?"

Derek rubbed his hands together excitedly, enthralled at the chance to teach her. Meredith's general knowledge of the disease process was exponential to begin with, as he learned from discussing several different autoimmune diseases with her. This was something that was generally new. The idea of a completely different disease process—a possible answer for a jet load of undiagnosed patients. It was thrilling. More than thrilling. This could explain a lot of bad outcomes. "Yes. It's caused by a mutation in a specific gene in the mitochondria."

"But, wouldn't my mother be a carrier? This doesn't sound like something that could just pop up." It was a valid question. Her mother was the healthiest person she knew.

"Not necessarily. Because it's not a direct mutation in the mitochondrial DNA." The more he spoke the more excited he became. He was on fire now. He could feel it. He walked back over to his desk, taking a seat on the edge in front of her. He was grinning now, full on grinning.

"Why does this make you so happy? This might not be it, you know? You're getting way too ahead of yourself." She chided, a small frown settling on her features.

In the blink of an eye he watched her go from looking relatively content to looking unhappy. His grin melted off his face, as he took in a breath calming his electrified nerves, as he blew it out. "Meredith… I don't mean. It's not just you. I mean… it is… but, it isn't." His eyes fought with hers; fighting to hold on to her gaze. His soft voice held her attention easier than his over excitement. "This disease process is new to me. I learned about ATP and mitochondria way back in middle school. But its role in the disease process—its sole function in the disease process is astonishing." She was watching and listening to him. Even though his words were soft, there was still a slight spark to them. His eyes were darker though, reflecting something different.

"We try our hardest to make people better." He said slowly, his blinking coming in steady beats became slightly erratic as his eyes narrowed in sadness. "We try our hardest to make people better, but you know that sometimes we don't have the right answers. Sometimes simple procedures go wrong. Sometimes patients don't wake up, for any apparent reason. We sit and we wonder what happened, we wonder what we did wrong when there isn't anything we could have done. We still want answers, though. And if this could explain those patients… if there is a way to screen for mitochondrial dysfunction, a way to make every procedure just a bit safer, as a doctor I want to know about it. I know a lot of families and a lot of physicians that would want to know about it."

Meredith sat listening to him, numbed by his words. His softness and sincerity kept her captivated in a way that wasn't awkward. There was a certain thing that people did when they were being sincere that made her feel awkward. Like they were being too intimate or emotional, but Derek's statement wasn't overly dramatic in a way that made her feel… uncomfortable. He was right. Medicine was always finding new and better ways. Science was always advancing, and if this turned out to give a better explanation than the last one, it could change the way that diseases are treated. It could change the way they are tested. It could change the outlook.

"I wouldn't have known about this… I would have never thought to think about it, I probably would have never heard about it…" he began, his smile slowly returning, as his features relit.

"Don't… I didn't do this. You would have found out about it even if we weren't doing this. It's going to revolutionize medicine, remember?" She shrugged, as her own smile come to her lips.

"That's true, I guess." He responded quietly, still watching her. There was silence, as he simply sat staring at her. Her grey eyes watching his own blues, he looked as if he was waiting for something. As if he was analyzing her body language—as if he wanted to say something more.

"So, I guess you'll want to run those labs?"

"Yeah…" he nodded synching back into action, his thoughtful look all but lost. He reached behind his back for the paper work he had shown her earlier, flipping to the backside of a paper in search of specific information. "It's going to take six to eight weeks to come back, though."

"We can't run that here?"

"No… It's going to be sent to…" his eyes scanned the paper further as he tried to find the exact place they'd be sending her blood work. "Atlanta. Yeah… Atlanta. That's one of the leading places studying this." He handed her the paper watching as she carefully scanned it with her own eyes before folding it in half and placing it in her bag.

"What's going to change for me if this is the answer?" She asked. Her question frank and not withholding.

"I'm not sure." He replied back, his answer equally forthright. "But, this could give us some more suggestions of what to do to help."

"You really think it's worth it?" She whispered, trying to function off of his excitement, and his hope.

"I really do."

* * *

The sun had long set in the Seattle sky as Meredith gathered her coat and bag, preparing to head home for the evening. Derek sat behind his desk once again, putting away the last remaining paperwork from another patient's chart, before gathering his own coat and brief case and turning off his desk light. The city was a stark contrast to his home in the woods, where once the lights went out the darkness was thick and unforgiving. The city lights just outside the widow kept his office moderately lit in Technicolor as he prepared his keys to lock the door behind him.

All it took was one glance at Meredith, her face relaying a mind full of doubt and anxiety that made his thoughts stop and his heartbeat fast inside his chest. She looked back at him, her eyes pleading, blinking back the anxiety as she tried to put on her tough exterior, though she found it difficult to do when he was looking at her with reassurance. He didn't know what he was doing, or how it would be received, but before he could think twice, his brief case was sitting in the chair that she once sat in as his arms surrounded her in an enormous hug.

"Don't think about it." He whispered in her hair as it tickled his cheek, and the flowery sent teased his nostrils. He knew his action was abrupt, and he couldn't tell how she was processing it, until he felt her arms wrap around his body, as she rested her cheek against his shoulder in positive reception. The hug that he hadn't expected to be received well seemed like the one thing that she needed. He loosened his squeeze as he expected her to pull away though she remained clenched to him.

What she needed now was for him to hug her and say nothing, he decided. He didn't know how long this connection would last, though he didn't care. It's not like he had anywhere to be, or anyone to see. He wondered if pursuing all these tests were actually worth it. For her. There was always reluctance in her eyes when he showed her new paperwork, and spoke to her about new ideas. She lived in the dark for so long, and the idea of knowing was scary. He could see that she was afraid, and there was never anything that he could do to make it better. If it were him, he'd decided, he'd feel the same way. But, he couldn't live not knowing either. It was very much a double edged sword.

He let her melt into him. He felt her sigh against his shoulder, her chest heaved a big breath, releasing it slowly, made him feel that he was at least being a comfort for her. If nothing else, maybe that was enough, the silence was intoxicating. The darkness and the city lights made everything feel like a dream.

Then as if out of nowhere, Mark suddenly appeared in the doorway to his office. Maybe this was a dream, and he was asleep at his desk again, the presence of his friend made his already pounding heart beat faster as fear took over his thoughts. The door to his office, open in preparation for their departure, wasn't shut before his embrace, and now his best friend… the friend who he had adamantly denied being in a secret relationship to, was witnessing him hugging a girl who's trust was as difficult to earn as a stray cat's. Derek's eyes grew wide in horror, as Mark's once quizzical face slowly morphed into a huge cheesy grin. There wasn't much Derek could do to stop him, the position he was in already was incriminating, Meredith's confidentiality already on the verge of breaking. All he could do was vehemently mouth "no" to him, and pray that he got his not so subtle message.

As if sensing his silent fight, Meredith's arms loosened from around his body as she slowly lifted her head off his shoulder. Derek's attention snapped off of Mark and fixated back on to her eyes. They were glassy in the lighting, pulling Derek's attention from Mark further, though something had to be said before Meredith turned around to be confronted by Dr. Sloan's intrusion. She opened her mouth to say something, something that sounded like the beginning of thank you, when he forced his attention away from her and back on to the figure in the door.

"Dr. Sloan?" He questioned in the most elaborate casual voice that Meredith had ever heard.

"Derek." Mark chuckled at his friend's poor attempt to cover up his interaction with the female standing in front of him. He waved, amusement in his eyes as he looked between the two of them.

"Dr. Grey and I were just…"

"Oh cut the crap Derek." Mark shot out, watching horror take over both his friend and the young intern's expression. "If this is what I think it is, Dr. Grey… should know that we're far from professional." He winked, partially amused by his friend's companion. It wasn't like Derek to sneak around with women, let alone interns. But, based on their conversation from earlier that day, he wasn't surprised his friend was hiding someone.

"Meredith," Derek grumbled, glaring at Mark mercilessly. "You know Dr. Sloan… Mark, this is Meredith. She was just going home, as was I." Derek announced, all but pushing her out of his office, before slamming the door behind him. "I suggest you do the same."

Meredith looked between the two men, wondering why Derek was being so specific suddenly. She knew Dr. Sloan had a reputation. She had heard Dr. Bailey refer to him as a "man whore" on a few different occasions, and there were a number of nurses that refused to work with him on the basis of sexual harassment. She had yet to have the opportunity to work with him, but those who had didn't hesitate to agree with Dr. Bailey. Whatever the gossip be, she smiled kindly at the man who was her superior, as she began to wonder exactly what he thought she was doing with Derek who seemed to be getting more aggravated by the second. He was usually a lot calmer. Especially compared to just a few minutes before.

"I was just on my way to Joe's. Heard you were up here. Thought you'd want to come with me." Mark smiled, eyeing the two of them back and forth. "You're welcome to come too. Unless you two had other plans."

"No." Derek huffed out, rolling his eyes. "I told you I was busy tonight. You're sticking your nose in my business, Mark."

"You can bring her!"

"That's not the point." Derek said slowly, putting great emphasis in his tone.

"Hey, it's about time you found someone new. I just wish you felt like you could tell me."

"Someone new?" She mouthed to herself, as she stood listening to the two men argue back and forth, like two children fighting over a toy. She didn't really know what to think. By the look on Derek's face, she knew he was aggravated at his friend's intrusion, his eyes pleaded with her to stay and let him explain.

"Well, give Joe my regards. I am going home." He snapped before stomping off towards the elevator, Meredith followed him unsure of what exactly was going on. She watched him press the button several times, impatient as he was forced to wait for the cab to arrive. She watched him, calmly. His aggravation playing out like an animation, she found it difficult not to laugh at him, as he rushed into the elevator cab. She stepped inside slowly watching as he pressed the first floor button several times, like he did the button summoning the cab. The look on his face as he blew out a breath, as if attempting to calm his irritation, made her giggle.

"What is so funny?" His voice was low. A whisper in the small space that they shared.

"Why are you so upset?" She giggled again, a small smile decorated her face as he stopped looking at the floor, his head slowly lifted to meet her gaze. Her smile seemed to lighten his features. As if there was a cloud shadowing his thoughts, his frown was replaced with a look of contentment. Seeing that she was alright, that she wasn't embarrassed or awkward, seemed to make him feel better.

"Dr. Sloan can… he can say some stupid things. And I didn't want you to think…" He stammered, her stare understanding, he looked towards the floor numbers above the elevator doors. He felt conflicted in his desires, once again that evening.

"Well to be honest, my friends don't know I'm here. They think I'm working." She watched him stare at her blankly, as if confused by her modesty. "They'll think like Sloan. You were upset because he thought we were… together."

"It's not that. It's not you."

"It's not you, either. I don't want them to think that I'm taking advantage."

The doors to the elevator slid open slowly, revealing the dark and empty hospital atrium. He let her leave the elevator first, tossing her words over in his head as he followed her. Words that he could forthrightly agree with, though they felt shallow. They were mutually lying to their friends, out of what? Fear? Fear of misunderstanding? Fear of inappropriate accusations? He didn't understand why he felt it was so taboo. Well, maybe he did in a way, but he wasn't about to admit it.

She walked a few paces ahead of him, the parking lot relatively empty of the chaos that it held during the day. She looked behind her, at him as he searched his keys for the lock to his car. And suddenly she had that feeling again. The one that she couldn't name, though it made her feel happy and free.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" She asked, her voice sounded hallow against the vast outdoors.

"Yep. We'll get that blood work tomorrow morning " He smiled at the back of her head, watching as she walked down the row of cars towards her blue jeep.

"Goodnight, Dr. Shepherd." She called again, a smile on her face as she glanced at him one last time before disappearing behind her car.

"Goodnight, Meredith." He called back. His voice echoing in the darkness.

* * *

**AN- I ended short, but if I didn't it would have went on forever. Poor excuse, maybe but I'm hoping to have the next chapter up before Thanksgiving. It will be mostly Derek-centric, though don't think for a second Meredith won't be involved. This chapter is being posted super late being I've been ill for the past several weeks, and am finally getting back into my groove.**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7: A Change Would Do You Good**_

"Derek!" Kathleen's voice echoed through the airport terminal, as she rushed towards her tired brother. The smile on her face warmed Derek's heart as he walked in quick pace towards his big sister, a baby strapped to her chest, and two toddlers clinging to her legs. He smiled friendly at the tiny children happy to see his sister after going so long without contact.

"Well, you look good." Kathleen declared, reaching out to touch his shoulders. The baby strapped to her chest sniffled, as she leaned in to hug her little brother. As if reminding her of his existence, she backed away, lifting him out of the pouch he sat in, she kissed his cheeks affectionately. "Let's not forget about you!" She cooed. She looked down at her feet expectantly, the two little girls stilling at her glance. "This is Orion, Dora, and Ever."

"I know their names." He smiled, giving a quick wave to the little girls. They looked up at him suspiciously, not knowing what to think of the strange man their mother seemed so fond of. Derek didn't know much about his younger nieces and nephews, which seemed to be all Kathleen's children and half of Lizzie's. Since he moved away to Seattle, he hadn't come around as much. The family had grown, and it pained him that he couldn't be a bigger presence, even if his sisters drove him to insanity. He watched the two little blondes fidget in impatience, their features resembling both of their parents, though for sisters they looked very different. Dora had the lightest blonde hair and the biggest blue eyes, he had ever seen. Compared to both of her parent's dark locks, her almost white hair was fascinating to Derek. It sat in pigtails, atop her tiny head. It was pin straight, like Ever's… another shock in comparison to her father's curls. Her blue eyes were a matching shade to her mothers, though. Big and searching. She was tiny for a three year old. Almost matching her two year old sister's height, if not just a hair taller. She was thin too. Her tiny hands grasping her mother's left leg as those big blue eyes searched his face curiously. Ever on the other hand was chunky. She still had chubby baby cheeks, and her pin straight strawberry blonde hair wisped out from beneath the pink hat she wore. Her eyes were a deeper blue, like her baby brother. She looked like Orion more than Dora did… though the photos he had seen belied that fact.

"I can take your bags." He offered, as he reached out to take the mass of luggage his sister was pulling behind her. She seemed to be an expert in airport travel. On top of the bags were piled three car seats, the amount of stuff piled on top of the one lone rolling suitcase gave the appearance that Kathleen had brought everything she owned.

"Thank you very much." She smiled, as she slid Orion back on to her chest and reached out to take the hands of both little girls. "We've been so excited to see this big gorgeous house in the woods that Mom can't stop talking about."

"Big gorgeous house in the woods?" He laughed as he followed his sister and the children out of the airport and in to the parking lot. The cold Seattle rain dripped on their heads as they stepped through countless puddles, the little girls not used to the rain as their mother tried to keep them from stomping in every puddle their little feet found.

"Geez, Der." Katie huffed as he finally pulled out his keys for his car. "Next time you move, maybe you should try the desert."

* * *

"Why can't I get a turkey, Mer?" Izzie whined as she dug through the fridge in search of something for dinner.

"We don't do Thanksgiving." Cristina replied as she nudged Meredith with her elbow. "Right? Mer?"

"What… what are we talking about?" Meredith mumbled, clearly not paying attention to whatever Cristina and Izzie were squabbling about. Since Izzie moved into her mother's house almost three months ago, Cristina and her managed to squabble about something practically every day. Meredith had lost count at how many times she was pulled into a disagreement between her two roommates.

"We were just talking about Thanksgiving." Izzie provided, still distracted by her search for ingredients for a decent supper.

"And I was just telling her that we don't do Thanksgiving." Cristina added. Her eyes searched Meredith's, as if silently pleading with her to say no.

"Well… I volunteered to be on call. So, do whatever you want. I'm not going to be here." She smirked, standing up from her place at the table to get a glass of water. She moved slower than she normally did, as if she walked with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her mind was constantly running, skipping from one thought to the next. But, tonight she was stuck on Derek, and it was driving her nuts. She kept thinking about earlier that day. What she had said, what he had said. There were parts that she regretted, and things that she wished she could find the voice to say. But, she hadn't. She had locked him out again… and in some ways, she saw a disappointment in his eyes that went straight through her soul. She hated that she let things bother her so much. That she had willingly taken on this outrageous inadequacy that she couldn't get rid of. She hated that she felt like she was going through weeks and months of mind-numbing testing because she wanted to please him. Because she needed to please him. It was all getting to be too much. Again. She wanted to move on and forget, but Derek Shepherd kept running through her thoughts haunting her, and there was nothing she could do but remember.

_**Yesterday Afternoon**_

_It was only Monday, but they had agreed to meet earlier that week. He was getting the preliminary test results back for diseases and conditions that she didn't feel comfortable with, though he wanted to test for "just in case." She saw him that afternoon. He was there before her—sitting patiently, waiting. The IV bag of D5 sitting on the gurney behind him, he held several envelopes waiting for her so that she could put to rest the several mysteries that floated around her head. He jumped when he saw her. The frustrated frown on his face confused her, the excitement in her heart smoldered slightly at his displeased look._

_"I should have waited…" he confessed, her heart skipped in her chest lightly at his omission, her mind instantly going to bad places. She reached out for the papers that he held in his hands, the heat on the paper making her wonder how long he had sat waiting for her._

_"It says that the preliminary testing is negative?" Her voice was in disbelief, his tone made her think that they were positive… though, as she studied his features again, she realized that he looked more disappointed than anything else. "You jerk! Seriously!?" She yelled at him, tossing the papers back at him though he hadn't moved fast enough and they scattered at their feet. She ran a relieved hand through her hair as she sat down where he once had sat on the gurney._

_He bent down, to collect the papers. His eyes found hers as his fingers distinguished between floor and paper without aid. "I'm sorry." He acknowledged, trying to find better ground. He placed the papers on the gurney next to the IV supplies, before finding his own seat on the gurney next to her._

_"I know you think that I want this… and I do want this… I really do. But… this other part of me doesn't."_

_"I get that, I do…"_

_"Do you? Do you understand how I feel about this?""_

_"You seemed alright with everything when we talked about testing?"_

_"Yes… but this morning I didn't…" She stopped herself short of finishing her statement, the look on his face threatening her tears._

_"You didn't what?"_

_"I just think you don't get it. My side of all of this."_

_"No, you're right I don't." His voice was low, unlike hers._

_She let out a sigh, running another hand through her hair as she tried to calm herself. She knew that yelling at him was unfair. He was helping her—or, at least he was trying to help her. The best he knew how, and he was right. Maybe he would never fully understand her feelings towards this._

_"Let's just forget about this whole thing?"_

_"What?" He spat out at her, his eyes growing large and unbelieving._

_"I mean… for a while. I can't. I need to think about what I want. Because, I don't know what I want."_

_"You don't know what you want?" He repeated, dumbstruck._

_"No… I don't."_

_They sat on the gurney, as he swung his legs back and forth like an impatient child. She sat, trying not to look at him through her aggravation. This was becoming too complicated. Even for her. She wanted to say something to him, about her feelings. How he made her feel happy and respected and so much more. But, now? Now she could barely look at him because she knew if she did she would cry._

_It was several moments before he spoke again, she heard him fingering the IV kit, his voice low and throaty when words finally did come out. "I guess you don't want me to draw blood for the MNGIE testing?"_

_"I guess not." She replied turning to him as she rolled her sleeve up so that he could do what he needed to do for her IV._

* * *

"MEREDITH GREY! Earth to MEREDITH GREY!" Cristina called, her attention snapped back to the present. She didn't even realize that the glass of water she was holding was overflowing in her hands, as the water poured over the glass and into the sink drain.

"God, Meredith… what is wrong with you? You're starting to freak us out."

She turned off the water quickly before sipping off the top of the glass to make it safe to carry back to the table. Cristina and Izzie's eyes were wide with concern at her apparent mental lapse. The looks on their faces obvious that they thought there was something more going on.

"Stop looking at me. I'm fine. I was just… thinking."

"About McDreamy?" Izzie giggled, as she looked for a pot in one of the cupboards.

"McWho?"

"Dr. Shepherd. McDreamy." Izzie repeated.

"That's what we call your stalker." Cristina added, a smug smile coming to her own lips as she watched Meredith's expression.

"That's strange. And…"

"And accurate."

"Yeah. He's a sucky stalker, too."

Meredith shook her head, a sadness settled in her heart as they spoke about him. A sadness that she couldn't quite shake. A sadness that stung her eyes and pulled at her heart. She took several sips of water to try and drink down her emotion.

"Oh crap!" Cristina blurted out, studying her friend. Meredith looked between Izzie and Cristina her eyes dark as she attempted to make them see that she wasn't in the mood to talk about him, or it… any of it tonight.

"You're falling for him. You're falling for Shepherd. God… Meredith. What is wrong with you? You're sneaking around… you meet him every day, he's sucking you in like a vacuum."

"I meet him for IV fluids. Not a romantic encounter, Cristina."

"Ooooh. She's getting McBitchy." Izzie pointed out, completely abandoning the macaroni that boiled on the stove.

"You've been meeting him, haven't you? After work? That's it. That's where you go when you're supposed to be with us."

"It's not what you think." Meredith sighed, as she stood up from the table. She was finished talking about him. She was finished with all of it. She threw on her coat, slamming the front door on her way out. The cold November air felt good in her lungs, the darkness felt good to her eyes as she made her way to the immobile porch swing to sit down.

* * *

Derek was used to extremes. He was either extremely busy, or extremely bored. The quiet medium of having three children in the backseat of his car, and his older sister talking quietly to him in the front passenger seat next to him was unusual. He hadn't realized how much he missed his family. It was true he had Mark, and Mark was probably the best and the worst thing that had happened to him. But Mark was part of his extremes. Having Katie around for a few days would be nice.

The traffic was thick leaving the airport, giving his sister plenty of time to talk about her life and ask questions about his. There was a small smirk that stayed on his face as he maneuvered through the chaotic Seattle streets. The children sat taking in the new atmosphere with high perception.

"So… your job?" Kathleen stammered as she glanced at her brother, one of the children quietly fussed, but Kathleen just continued to stare at Derek waiting for his response. "Derek…" She mumbled again. Her blue eyes, he noticed as he glanced at her briefly, took on a more serious look, as she watched his own face and waited for his response.

"Alright…" Derek replied as he reached to turn up his windshield wipers. Ever continued her squealing, the environment taking on a picture of chaos that he was more accustomed to.

"Nummy!" She said as she pulled at her car seat straps. Her voice grew louder with each repetition of the word.

Derek looked to his sister, who despite the wails of her child continued to stay calm and collected. "You don't mind if we stop to get the girls something to eat?" Kathleen asked. Ever's whining instantly stopped as she heard her mother mention the word "eat".

"Sure…" Derek nodded, as he merged to a lane he knew would take them to restaurants. He was thankful that the traffic was slow and they were near a decent exit. They passed several different options before a McDonald's golden arches gleamed in the distance, catching the sight of Dora and Ever. Derek laughed as they were practically bouncing out of their seats, the prospect of a Happy Meal too much for them to contain.

"Nuggets, Mama! Nuggets!" Dora said excitedly as she pointed at the McDonald's quickly coming on the parkway.

"Is this where you want to stop?" Derek asked as he slowed down the vehicle, in preparation to turn. Before he had realized that Kathleen was bringing children, he had planned to treat her to a nice dinner, with wine and cloth napkins. He knew she worked hard, maintaining her children and being a doctor. It was hard for him, even though he didn't have five children and a spouse to worry about any longer. Chicken McNuggets weren't in his plans for the evening, though if they got Ever to stop sniffling and made the two little girl's smile, then he would oblige.

"You mean you aren't going to judge me for feeding my kids fast food crap?" Katie asked as she rested her arms across her chest and watched Derek as he turned into the parking lot.

"Nuggets!" Dora cheered as she looked out the window.

"How could I judge you when they're starving?"

"You don't have any kid food at home, do you?"

Derek chuckled as he shook his head. "That depends on what you call 'kid food'… I have trout that I caught from my pond this morning. I have beer. I have milk. I have tomato juice. I have muesli. I have trail-mix. I have eggs."

"That's it?" Kathleen exclaimed her face humored at his recital of his grocery list.

"Yep. I'm one man. Most of the time I'm at the hospital, and if Mark comes over he normally brings pizza."

"I see… we don't normally buy fast food… do we Dora?" Kathleen stammered, as she turned in her seat to look at the little blonde, a huge grin on her face as she shook her head no.

"Only special 'cassion." Her tiny voice replied, the grin not disappearing for a second.

"Hmmm…" Derek teased, turned in his own seat to look at the little girl. "That strangely sounds like it was rehearsed." He laughed, giving his sister a suspicious look.

"I thought you said you weren't going to judge?" She chided, a smirk appeared on her lips as they approached the order menu. She reached for her purse passing her wallet and credit card to Derek.

"Seriously? You think I don't have ten bucks to spare. No, no… you put that back."

"Are you sure?" Kathleen asked as she slowly returned her wallet to her purse. She listened to her brother order the girls' dinner before mouthing a soft "Thank you."

* * *

_**Yesterday Afternoon**_

The IV fluid dripped slowly into her veins as she sat stiffly on a gurney, willing gravity to pull it in faster, or for at the very least, praying for an emergent page to send Derek away. She wanted him to go away, as he sat next to her, still not saying anything, as if he was deep in his own thoughts of her demise. If she was brave, she would have asked him why he was really there. Why he was staying when she made it so hard to be cared for. He was naïve, he had dreams and desires and hope. She knew that she needed him, because she didn't have any of that anymore… but, it scared the hell out of her. And he embodied that.

Her legs swung back and forth on their own accord, as she sat in peace and darkness on her front porch. The Space Needle gleamed in the distance, and behind that the hospital sat—the place where she spent the most time—the place that she needed to be. The place he probably was, like always, sitting at his desk, obsessing over the same things that she did, even though she felt his thoughts should be spent elsewhere.

_She cleared her throat, feeling him turn towards her. She dared to turn in his direction. Her eyes were wide in curiosity, as she met his blue ones. He looked… god… he looked dreamy. He was like that hero in armor… the hero that she made herself believe didn't exist for the greater good of people like herself. She cleared her throat and he said nothing. He just watched her… perhaps not knowing where to go first. She blinked as he took in his own breath, his lips pursed as if he wanted to say something. Nothing came out. She could see it in his eyes when she looked at him. Something was different, his feelings had changed. But, she couldn't let him feel that way towards her. She couldn't let herself feel that way towards him. It was complicated enough without figuring in all the logistics of health and career rank. He looked at her softly. "Meredith…" He said. Her name came out quiet like his look. She wouldn't let him do that to her, she wouldn't let her do that to him. He blinked a few times, as if he was debating within himself. His eyes grew dark and tormented, before he looked away. Both of them sitting in the silence of wanting to say everything but not being able to say anything at all. Denial, avoidance, ignorance. Those were their only choices._

"Meredith?" She blinked, her head snapped in the direct of the voice calling her name. Cristina stood in the front door way, a small smile on her face as she wrapped her Stanford sweatshirt around her body to keep the chill away. "You're going to catch hypothermia out here…"

Meredith shook her head, not wanting to stand and leave her sad solitary.

"Come on. Iz and I were sorry. We just… you seem happy. And you aren't happy."

"I'm not happy, Cristina. You have no idea how unhappy I am." She said slowly to put emphasis on every thought.

"I know—I'm not saying that. But, Shepherd. He's making you happy."

"You don't have to keep saying it. And you don't have to keep bringing that up."

"Just admit that you like him. That you have… maybe… just a little crush on him?"

Meredith let out a breath in to her cold hands. She could feel the blue on her fingernails increasing with each passing moment that she stayed there frozen to her seat. "I don't have a crush on Derek. He's a friend."

"Then why is everything so secretive?" Cristina asked, her head tilted to the side, her ponytail dangled into the direction that she moved.

"Because…" Meredith sighed, her legs standing shocked her slightly as if she wasn't in control of their movement or desires. "People like you automatically think that more is going on. "

"No…" Cristina replied. "People like me don't automatically think that. I think I know your intentions Do you know yours?"

* * *

Derek had butterflies in his stomach, something that he hadn't anticipated upon bringing his sister in to his house, but the excitement flared and gave him a short adrenalin rush. The kids were all asleep in the back, and it was just him and Kathleen—who appeared to be enjoying the quiet. Derek didn't want to break it. He enjoyed the quiet too, after the feeding frenzy in the backseat of his car, he had anticipated their zonk out and the serenity that followed. The rain was clearing up. The heavy almost drowning Seattle rain tapped lightly on his windshield, as he drove off of the ferry boat, his house not too far in the distance.

For a moment he thought that Kathleen had fallen asleep too, the early Seattle hour, paled to the later one in Philadelphia. It was well past ten o'clock on the east coast, he remembered. He glanced over, surprised as her blue eyes blinked at him—stared at him.

"You must be deep in thought." She answered at his look. A small smile on her face as she shook her head at her brother's surprised look.

"I thought you were asleep."

She laughed, as if the notion was a joke. "I'm probably the biggest insomniac on the planet. Typical, I hear for psychiatrists.

"Typical for doctors in general." He added, thinking of his own sleep difficulties.

There was a short silence between them as Kathleen pondered about something unknown to him, though he could see in her face that something was coming.

"So… how long have you lived here?" She asked, her voice was loud against the quiet, her lips no longer smiled.

"Uh… since I moved to Seattle."

"That's right! There was that trailer that Nancy was so adamant about. She was convinced that you were going through a midlife crisis."

"Did she also mention how she just came in… didn't even knock. Did she mention how she managed to piss off the intern I was working with? I almost got fired Kathleen…"

"I know. I heard all about it. She really did a number on you coming out here, huh?"

"No she did a number on me ever being born."

"Derek… you sound like an irate teenager." Her giggle echoed in the car as it made its way over winding roads. She was still Katie. Her laugh unchanged over the years, despite a husband and children. It would have made him smile if he wasn't so terse thinking about his other older sister.

"She did a number on me butting into my love life all the time, too. What happened between me, and Addison, and Mark… that was never any of her business." Derek growled his hands planted firmly on the steering wheel. "The women I chose to get over Addison with, that was none of her business either."

"You're right. You are absolutely right." She agreed. She nodded for emphasis and validation as she attempted to show herself as an independent listener.

"And, I've tried with Addison. Numerous times. I know everyone thinks I gave up too easy, but we're happier now then we were when we were married. And everything is for… the better."

"Ok… now you sound like you're trying to convince yourself."

"Don't, Katie. Don't tell me that I'm unhappy. I already know. I already know that since…" He let out a long huff of a sigh, the rain diminished to random drops on the car window, his house appeared in the distance. The clearing revealed it in all its grand glory, the lights that he remembered to turn on made its size and design gorgeous in the moonlight.

"I know that since Hannah left you've been miserable. She was… we all thought she was the one. Again. We thought she was the one and…"

"Katie…" He pointed as he tried to ignore her words about his ex-fiancé . The one that he initially built the house for in the first place, though a lot had changed since then.

"And, we hadn't seen you that happy in a long time. And the fact that she decided to leave you… like she did. In front of everyone…."

"Kathleen, we're here." She stopped talking much to his relief; her head slowly turned to look at the outside world, her eyes grew big as her mouth turned into an excited grin as she looked at the home she had yet to see.

"Oh my god, oh my god! This is beautiful, Derek. Absolutely fantastic." Her excitement made her voice louder, causing the children to wake up from their reverie and groggily call out for their mother. "Seriously, Derek? Why the hell did you not invite me out here before?" She smacked at him playfully, as he grinned in pride at his creation. He designed it, he helped build it. His house and the land were his babies. Like most babies they were a lot of work to take care of, and difficult to enjoy if there was no one to enjoy them with. Most of the time his beautiful house sat empty in the dark completely forgotten among the hundreds of other things clouding his thoughts. The inside was perfect. Spick and span, perfect for any unexpected company because he hardly ever lived in it.

Kathleen had long but left the vehicle, the children were left whining in their car seats as Derek watched his sister walk eagerly to the wrap around patio, eager to see all the fine details. He laughed as he watched as she peeked through the huge windows, forcing the unlocked front door open as she forgot about everyone left in the car.

"Your Mama is a crazy lady!" He chuckled playfully to the children.

* * *

**The Day Before Thanksgiving**

The coffee machine hissed on the counter. The smell of hot coffee filled the kitchen as Derek sat sleepily watching his sister empty out his kitchen cupboards. Glasses and plates littered the counter as Kathleen energetically dug through the back of cupboards searching for silverware and plates more fitting for a Thanksgiving dinner.

"You're telling me you were married to Addison Forbes Montgomery for eleven years and you have no nice china for family dinners or parties?"

"Yes, Kathleen. That is what I am saying to you." He replied slowly as he tried not to let his frustration at his sister get the best of him.

"I'll just have to go buy a new set."

"You're not buying me new plates. If Mom doesn't like my plates she can bring her own."

Her messy ponytail and face without makeup reminded Derek of their high school days. Katie was only a little more than a year older than him and a lot of their firsts happened simultaneously. He and Nancy were also close in age, though they didn't share the bond that he and Kathleen did. Kathleen was the most level headed person he knew. He could talk to Kathleen about anything, and she always had a way of putting him back on his feet. He hadn't used her psychology talents in a very long time.

"I have to get more plates because you only have four. Unless you plan on twenty-three people eating off the table cloth?"

"That would be fun. Different. Memorable." He mumbled into his coffee.

"Well, unfortunately for you Mom isn't looking for a different Thanksgiving." She fumbled around the snack bar in search of a list. The length and elaborate detail caught Derek's attention as he walked past her, his eyes wandered to the fine details as she messily scrawled plates at the very bottom.

"What's this?" He pointed.

"This is our list. Mom and I worked together, spent countless hours over the phone planning this. This is the shopping list."

"Hmmm…" he mumbled as he blinked away the jumbled words from his mind. "I see why you're here a before the big day."

"What? Did you expect that I was going to walk in and snap my fingers—WHAM—Thanksgiving!?"

"No… I figured there would be a bit of shopping. I just didn't expect you to swoop in and clean out my cupboards." He said with a half laugh and a shake of his head. She had all but taken over his house. There were Disney movies in his DVD player, baby bottles in his sink and kid toothpaste on his bathroom vanity—and that was in addition to the toys. The bags of baby toys, the bags of smiling figurines that Dora liked to line up. The well-worn baby dolls and teddy bears that Ever clung to. At the moment it looked like they'd lived with him for years.

"Don't worry. I'll clean up before I leave. I'm very good at cleaning up messes." She giggled, as if she'd read his thoughts.

There was a soft buzz on the counter, as Derek put down his cup of coffee and shifted around the snack bar in search of his pager. "You're not going in today, are you?" Kathleen asked.

"No… no… they probably just want a consult. I'm not on the board…." He answered as he reached for his cellphone on the counter in front of his. He watched his sister sort through the menagerie of stuff on the counter as the dial tone rang in his ear. It was unusual for an issue to arise that Nelson, or Holmes couldn't handle. The two of them combined should be able to work through something complex, his involvement something that he offered to be kind and convenient, though in light of his fellow surgeons experience, he hadn't anticipated them needing. He paced around the room waiting for someone to answer their cell phone.

"Hello? Derek?" A familiar voice came on, though it wasn't who he expected. Richard Webber had an aggravated tone to his voice. A tone that Derek was familiar with, but not one that he had anticipated. "We're having a bit of an issue with one of the interns. Meredith Grey…"

It was as if his world went blank at the mention of her name. The call from the Chief didn't suggest good things for her. Especially not coupled with the word "issue". He tried to listen to what was being said, though the adrenalin that now coursed through his veins made it difficult. His blood was pumping fast through his veins, a ringing sound took over his hearing as he sat down at the at the snack bar to try and contain himself.

"She collapsed in the OR about an hour ago. She's had two liters of normal saline, and her blood pressures are coming up, though she's still tachy."

"She's ok though?" He asked trying desperately to mask his eagerness.

"What I don't understand is why it happened to begin with and why Cristina Yang told me to call you?" Richard spoke, Derek's question completely ignored. "I've accessed her medical records and I see that you've treated her for… for… various things. None of which are distinctly associated with a neurosurgical approach."

If it weren't for the aggressive tone, disciplining tone in Richard's voice he would have attempted to not be so defensive. But there was a certain moment where he crossed a line, and there was no way to hold anything back.

"What do you want to know?" He snapped.

"I want to know why you are wasting hospital resources treating a case that isn't in your specialty."

Derek took in a breath, the last several months of their relationship flashed in his mind. The blood tests, and the IV bags, and the late night discussions. The overwhelming concern he had for her, the admiration he had for someone like her. He was awed that someone with so many issues continued to push on in a surgical internship even though it was dangerous. How he didn't have the heart to tell her to stop. How her invigoration pushed her through more things than his tiny suggestion ever would. He didn't know what to say, to Richard. He didn't know where to begin. A small smile formed on his lips, as he thought about Meredith and how time and time again she had told him that she didn't know where to begin—the exact feeling he now was overcome with.

"Derek?" The Chief's voice broke into his thoughts, pulling him from her. He wasn't sure how long he had been silent, though in was obvious that Richard was questioning his attention.

"I'm still here. I just—I just don't know where to begin."

Kathleen stood silently listening to the conversation her brother was having as it escalated to something that didn't sound like medical matters. He was stuttering, his eyes were narrowed and his words slow and deliberate towards the person he was speaking to.

"I'm coming in." He resolved, as he glanced to Kathleen once more, his eyes trained on her as he hung up the phone. "I have to go in." He said, with a huff. She nodded, knowing that there was some deeper meaning. "I'll leave the Cayenne here. I know you wanted to get some shopping done. I don't know how long I'm going to be."

"Is everything ok, Der?" She asked kindly, trying to gain eye contact with him as he shuffled around the kitchen grabbing his keys and jacket.

"Don't worry about this, just… Thanksgiving istomorrow, just worry about getting everything together for that. I'll give you a call when I'm on my way back."

* * *

Derek sped into the hospital parking lot, pulling into the closest parking spot that he could find. He wasted no time, as he flew out of the driver's seat, he ran through the hospital's front entrance, dodging doctors and patients alike, as he raced towards Seattle Grace's emergency department. The ED was chaotic, more so than usual. It seemed as though there was a trauma coming in through the ambulance bay, the nurse's station hummed as the nurse's briefed residents and attendings on incoming patients, and worked to move the patients who sat in the waiting room to unoccupied exam rooms. He was still in his street clothes, though the nurse's noticed him instantaneously as he rushed behind the nurse's station in search of Meredith's chart.

One of the nurses approached him with the familiar blue binder, a questioning look on her usually cheerful face. "Meredith Grey's chart, Dr. Shepherd?" She said, holding it out for him to take. "Chief Webber said we were to expect your arrival."

"Thanks, Linda… he told you I was coming, huh?"

"Yep, and he's been asking questions… just so you know." The nurse said. "She's on her third bag of normal saline, though she's been relatively stable since we got the first one in. BP's been in the low 90's, heart-rate in the 140's. She's still not where she should be in terms of HR." Derek flipped open the chart, skimming everything that had been given so far. "She's in room 22." The nurse pointed out, as Derek left her at the nurse's station. He folded the chat under his arm as he knock twice on her door before peeking his head inside the tiny dimly lit exam room. The room felt relaxed as she laid upright on the gurney in front of him. The monitors were alit with her stats, her heart rate was up and down, as the muscle slowed and sped in an erratic form of dysfunction.

He sighed shaking his head as he noticed her eyes staring at him. "Meredith…"

"I… am… horrified." She sighed back, her eyes wide as she looked towards the monitors and then at his face. Her heart was doing flip flops, as he sat down in the chair next to her gurney. The blood pressure cuff velcroed around her arm turned on checking her blood pressure for the third time that hour. She could feel her blood vessels rupture as the cuff became exponentially tight, though she didn't think twice about it as she studied him.

"Dr. Webber called me. Linda said that he's been asking questions…"

"I know." She nodded, as she shut her eyes. Her head hurt against the movement, a pain that she registered though refused to admit.

He looked back at her inquisitively as he put down her chart. "Do you remember what happened?" Her recount of the events was much more important to him than whatever the chart said. She looked away from him, ringing the blanket that covered her in her hands. She wanted nothing more than to just go home. This was all just a big embarrassing catastrophe, and it was all her fault that it even happened at all.

"The Chief said that you collapsed in the OR."

She nodded, as she took in a breath readying herself to tell him the story. "I should have stayed home today… and I knew that it wasn't a good idea to come in. I haven't been able to keep up with my fluids since you've been gone. I've been drinking, but last night was bad, and this morning I was the resident on board to participate, and you know how it is fighting for OR time? I was having a difficult time keeping anything down anyways, and I didn't want to get sick during the procedure…" Her voice cracked as her eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away, the fact that they were even there startled to her. She wasn't a big crier, though since things had picked up with her medical care again, she was finding herself more emotional that usual.

"You could have called me, Meredith… I would have came in."

"You can't come running to save me all the time." She sniffled. She was so tired. The mere act of talking was draining, let alone controlling what she was feeling.

"I'm here now." He replied simply, the urge to reach out and take her hands immense, though a knock on the door made him realize otherwise. He spun around in his seat, as Chief Webber stepped in from the loud bright outside. He stood in front of them; his firm set jaw and brow line made Derek hesitant of what he was about to say. Meredith's sniffling waned as she watched their superior step into the room.

"Dr. Shepherd," Webber began. His voice was firm and directive as he looked between the two doctors. "Could I speak with you in my office?"

"Can you give me ten minutes, I'll be right over. I want to hear what happened in that OR, and figure out a way to get that to stop happening." He returned bluntly as he pointed towards her heart monitor.

"Dr. Shepherd." He repeated, this time he looked intensely just at Derek.

"Der—Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith repeated, her eyes glared at him—silently pleaded with him to concede with the Chief. The fact that he came to help her shocked her in the first place, and now that the chief and her head resident were involved with what was once a small private matter, made the entire situation all the more overwhelming. "I should have just stayed at home." She whispered to herself as Derek slowly stood up from his spot at her bedside to follow the Chief.

* * *

"What do you want Richard?" Derek sighed as he turned the corner towards his boss's office. The long walk to his office from the ED was filled with a strange aggravated silence that left a peculiar taste in his mouth. He had known Richard since his residency. Richard had taught him almost everything he knew about being a doctor. Richard knew Derek well—too well in many instances, Derek thought. Well enough to know when Derek was doubting himself, well enough to know when he was being too cocky, when he was being too foolish, and when he was getting himself into something that was maybe a little too far over his head. In other words, he knew that the conversation he was about to have, would result in him picking one person over the other—and that either way, he probably wasn't going to win.

Richard stepped to the side, letting him enter the solitude of his office, first. The look on his face was stoic, much unchanged from the face he wore in front of Meredith. Derek found himself a seat, though he took it begrudgingly, feeling like he was being brought to the principal's office for a cruel prank he and Mark played on some unsuspecting students… only this time he wasn't eleven, and Mark wasn't sitting next to him with an identical look of infamy on his face.

"We need to talk about Meredith Grey." The Chief began, his voice sounded a lot different than Derek had anticipated. Still he sat silently, his elbow resting on the arm of the chair held his chin. There was a frown on his face, though a determined gleam in his eyes. "Meredith's mother is a general surgeon at Boston Hope. Her and I did our residency here together at Seattle Grace. That was long before Meredith was born."

Derek's eyes widened at the Chief's personal omission, his grip on the arm of the chair loosened as the story continued, though his thoughts became so much more confused.

"Ellis left Seattle around the time she got pregnant with Meredith. I didn't find out she was pregnant until after she left the state. For a while I thought that the baby might be mine… Ellis' husband was in the picture, though things between them were up and down all the time. You know how it is after fifth year. You move on. You get accepted at a new hospital, you do what you have to do. And she went to Boston, and I went to New York… and that was supposed to be the end of the story." He let out a long nostalgic sigh before he straightened himself in his seat to lock eyes with Derek's. "I didn't call you in here to relive my past with Ellis Grey. I just—you should have told me about Meredith, Derek. And you know it. But you don't know why. I just want you to be careful."

His arms unconsciously folded over his chest, the Chief's last sentence hitting him right between the eyes set him into defense. "Meredith… it's not…"

"If it was any other intern, I know you would have come to me. The second you found out. Johnson from the lab came to me the other day wanting to know why you had so many Jane Doe's. If Meredith is in that bad of shape, maybe she shouldn't be here."

"Maybe none of us should." Derek shot back, his voice low and angry.

"You're investing a lot in her. Too much, maybe."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? This is what she wants to do. And she's pretty damn good at it. Have you had any issues with Meredith?" The Chief seemed to be stuck in answering his question, as his gaze diverted and his words stopped. "Well? Have you? Has Bailey had any issues with her?" Derek asked again.

"No."

"It would be easy for me to tell her to go home. That she's wasting her time. That this situation is a lost cause. And she says that she is. But, she still comes back. Every single day. She still gets up, and she still comes to save other people. Because, deep down she doesn't believe in lost causes. She would have given up a long time ago."

"I don't know what you think you're going to do. Her mother is Ellis Grey. The Ellis Grey who invented the Grey Method. The Ellis Grey that's one two Harper Avery's and is working for a third. Meredith's file isn't so large because she sat at home and saw no one. She's been to some pretty decent hospitals. And still no answers."

"That's because they didn't take the time. Those doctors didn't invest in her like I am." The tone in his voice rose a bit, each time he responded. The nature of his voice on the verge of yelling now. "You know damn well that patient's in primary care aren't given nearly the amount of attention that their cases deserve. Did you read her chart from top to bottom?"

"No… but…" Richard stuttered against Derek's anger, not sure how exactly to get into his head to reason with him.

"No? Well, I did. I've read it. And I've analyzed it. And unlike everyone else, I WANT to find an answer for her. And I will be DAMNED if you try to stop me."

The Chief sat silent behind his desk, his eyes trained on Derek, who now stood in front of him. There wasn't anything to say. He could tell by the look on his face that he was too far gone to stop. Too far submerged to save from whatever heroic fantasy he was drowning in. He simply shook his head. His hands laid flat on his desk, slid slowly back towards his lap in a limp action of submission. He looked up at Derek, his lips pursed in his own frustrated frown; he cleared his throat in attempt to regain authority that he was quickly losing, like sand through his fingers. "I know… I know you're going to do what you want. I just… I recommend that you take a step back and think about what your real motives are here. That's all I'm going to say."

"Yeah?" He asked sarcastically as he gripped the cool metal door handle in his hands, more than ready to exit. "Well, I don't need you to say it." He spat back opening the door with and abrupt pull, before letting it slam angrily behind him.

* * *

Meredith fought to keep her eyes open. Against everything that nature wanted, she pushed against it. Trying to stay focused and keep together long enough to get out of this place. Though, it all proved futile, as her blinking slowed and her breathing deepened and the hazy, overpowering exhaustion won.

….

The next moment she realized, Dr. Bailey was shaking her awake, the florescent light above burned her eyes as she blinked in apprehension at her boss as she stood by her gurney. She had no idea how long she had been asleep. The feeling of exhaustion still lingered in her eyes, as she tried to sit up better on the gurney, though the movement was met with a wave of dizziness at the sudden movement.

Bailey looked on at her with knowing eyes, as another surge of embarrassment washed over her. The words sat on the tip of her tongue, though Meredith didn't have the courage to say them. She didn't have the courage to ask why Derek wasn't back yet, or why Bailey was there instead of him. Though, still, Bailey's dark eyes stared at her… unspoken questions of her own remained behind them, as her intense gaze lingered before her voice caught up. "Are you…" She paused, Meredith's eyes shut in one long blink as she waited for her to continue, ready to take in whatever comments were about to be thrown out. Bailey wet her lips as they reset themselves in a belligerent pout. Her hands gripped the metal side rails of the gurney, her knuckles discoloring in her grip as her own eyes narrowed at Meredith, her face taking on an extremely stern appearance.

"Are you alright?" She finally spoke. Her words were sharp and toned in sternness, as if she was trying to be considerate and authoritative all at once.

A hint of a smile came to Meredith's lips, the question that Bailey asked, not the one she was expecting to receive. "I'm fine."

"Good. So now, I won't have a problem asking you this. What in the hell did you think you were doing? Scrubbing into that surgery, passing out? My interns don't pass out during surgery."

"I know, Dr. Bailey. I'm… sorry." Meredith mumbled, the small smile finding her again.

"Sorry isn't the point." Bailey's voice squeaked slightly towards the end of her expression, a quality that haunted her often. It made her sternness a lot more comical. "The point is that you should have came and told me that you weren't having a good day. You should have came and told me in the beginning of all this, instead of going to Derek Shepherd."

Meredith rolled her eyes. She didn't want to get in to her past decisions with Dr. Bailey. She was going to fight to hold it together, because as far as she knew the only reason Bailey was in to see her was to decide if she was ok. Trying to be ok was easier said than done, though, as Meredith suddenly became all too aware of the throbbing in her head. The hands that were once clasped onto the gurney were now tapping it for emphasis that distracted Meredith from Bailey's face, though she heard her statement loud and clear. "Listen… Dr. Bailey… I…" Her reply became distracted as the door slowly opened and Derek stepped inside. He looked intently between her and Dr. Bailey. He seemed troubled by something that he was trying to hide, his quiet "Hello", moved Bailey's attention from her at least for a few seconds, as she tried to formulate a decent answer to her statement.

"How's my patient feeling, Dr. Bailey?" His voice relayed even more that he was hiding something that caught Meredith's attention, more than Bailey's.

"We're still waiting for labs to come back. But if she can hold her blood pressure above a hundred for the next hour, I think it's safe to say we'd feel comfortable letting her go home."

"Good. That's good." He held in his hands her chart that he grabbed from the nurse's station before returning to her room. His glassy eyes gleamed over the different test results, his brow furrowing as he looked over to Dr. Bailey, who stared back at him apathetically. Meredith's eyes darted between the two of them, relieved that there was some light beginning to shine at the end of this long tunnel.

Derek smiled curtly at Dr. Bailey, as if it would send some subliminal message to her that she could leave now, and give the two of them a little more privacy to talk. He even went as far as to seat himself on the rolling stool beside her gurney, again, as if taking up residence would also severely hint that he was planning on staying for a while, though Bailey stayed and Meredith felt herself being torn between the two doctors.

"As I was saying…" Bailey continued, as she shot a perturbed glance at Derek. "You should have talked to me, instead of hiding it. Instead of pushing yourself to this point. We don't want you pushing yourself to this point again. We're all doctors here. We're all fighting for the same thing."

The irony, Meredith noticed as she studied Bailey's features, was that Bailey wasn't really looking at her as much as she was looking towards Derek. As if this was his fault more than it was hers. "I didn't want to tell you." She heard herself say, her voice the most assertive it had been that entire day. "Dr. Shepherd told me to talk to you. But—I didn't think it would be in my best interest. So I didn't. And in confidentiality, he couldn't tell anyone either."

"Meredith, this isn't about taking blame for anything." Derek spoke up, his voice still quiet in comparison to the other two occupants in the exam room. "This isn't about covering up for me, this isn't about…" He let out a sigh, looking at Bailey, "I should have encouraged her differently. I should have pulled rank when I was involved with certain things." Bailey raised an eyebrow at Derek's candid confession, her mouth opened, as if she was going to speak though Derek caught her before she could begin. "We don't have a diagnosis that ties everything together… and that's what we're searching for now. Because I think that's her only shot at finding any help…."

_God, I wish I was drugged_... Meredith thought as she looked on to Bailey as she watched her face scrunch in thought at what Derek just said. _That would make this whole thing so much easier._

"The problem is, Dr. Shepherd, I don't know what that has to do with her being in this program."

"It has everything to do with her being in this program. Her stamina, her ability to function depends on her health. You better than anyone in this hospital knows how rigorous the intern schedule is."

"I understand that, but if she's going through so much, why is she even in the program?" Her question fell heavily to the floor, like a led weight, though it fell numb on Meredith's ears. Bailey looked at Derek, her eyes wide in defiance and pugnaciousness.

She was feeling a pain that was deeper than she could even begin to articulate. A pain that was deeper and wider than just the embarrassment at smashing her head into the OR floor, or having her privacy torn apart. Her generally low profile was ruined. She shut her eyes, as she tried to block out all that she was hearing, though there wasn't much she could do.

Derek glanced over to Meredith, who seemed to be lost in her own thoughts at the moment. Actually, she looked empty more than anything else. Like she was listening and lost herself in whatever words were being said, a quizzical appearance to her eyes that narrowed at Bailey's last question. "What's that supposed to mean?" He snapped back, his eyes trained on Dr. Bailey. Their interaction was intense, as they stared pointedly back at each other with unspoken tension over the situation that no matter how much they huffed and puffed at each other, neither had any real solution for.

It was now or never. She wasn't beyond speaking up for herself, she just didn't like to do it. Especially to her boss. Or, bosses. "Hello! I am sitting right here!" She yelled angrily. Her eyes were still shut tight. The sound and tone of her own voice hurt her own head as the two other people turned their attention strictly to her.

"Meredith…"

"No. Don't Meredith me. I am working my ass off because I want to. You want to take me out of the program for a stupid reason."

"You collapsed in an OR!" Bailey asserted, her arms now folded.

Meredith opened her eyes slowly. She looked between Derek and Bailey as she unconsciously bit the inside of her lip. There was no way to get out of this. No way at all. There was nothing that she could say to change what had happened. Maybe Bailey was right? Maybe she didn't belong in a surgical program. It was something that she didn't want to think about… but it was something that was true. She let out a shuttered sigh, her eyes settled on Derek, as if he was the only one in the entire world that knew what she was feeling. "I just… I just want to go home." She sighed slowly, looking to Derek for her answer.

"Meredith, I don't want to take you out of the program. Neither myself, nor Dr. Webber want to do that. But you can't expect this to not change anything."

"I know." Meredith whispered, turning to look at Dr. Bailey. Those were the same words that Derek had told her, all those weeks ago. She knew it was coming. She knew that if she didn't take control of her situation that her situation was going to take control of her. He warned her about it, but she was stubborn. And that was exactly what happened. "That's what I was afraid of."

* * *

His eyes stayed trained on Meredith's. No words came from her lips as he watched. His attention was lost to Dr. Bailey's as she stayed staring at Meredith just the same. She said nothing, as did he. There wasn't really anything for them to say.

Derek couldn't help but feel partly responsible for the predicament that they were in. As he told Dr. Bailey, he should have stepped it up. He should have played the bad guy, he should have used his authority to steer Meredith in making the right decision. But, something got in the way, and he felt just like she did, that he could handle it too, with her. At least, up until now. He had owed more to her, just like she owed more to herself, though in light of everything he could see why Meredith was slow to trust.

Bailey cleared her throat, as she tried to grab the attention of the two very silent occupants she shared the exam room with, though Derek's attention was the only one given to her. "I'm going to check the latest labs and I'll be back with her discharge papers." Her voice was quiet as she glanced at Meredith who looked back at her with indifference. Still quiet.

He watched Bailey slip out of the room, leaving the two of them alone for the moment. Meredith wasted no time ripping off the blood pressure cuff, and the heart monitor leads from her chest. There was a grimace as she slid her legs to the end of the gurney. The movement hit hard against the soreness of her head.

"I'll—I'm going to work something out. They don't… they can't really bench me? Can they?" The sound of her voice caught him off guard. Almost as if she was clinging on to her last hope, though her eyes looked desolate.

"Let's not worry about that now." He rolled the stool he was sitting on near the foot of her gurney, grabbing her shoes that sat on the desk with him in one swift motion, as he tried to help her collect what little personal items she had. Surprisingly, they hadn't stripped her of her scrubs when they brought her to the ER after her collapse, the familiar powder blue scrubs hugged her small frame, a wrinkle or two had formed in the fabric through the course of her ordeal.

She reached out to take her shoes, again not listening to the pain in her head. She blinked back the throbbing, he noticed once more, this time not keeping his observation to himself. "Here…" he set her shoes on his lap. He reached out to take her foot, though he was met with her reluctance. He shot her a warning looking, one that felt partly parental in the situation, though he only wanted to save her pain. "You probably have a concussion from your fall. Let me help you."

"Me letting you help is what got me into this situation to begin with." She replied, her tone coated in resentment that stung.

"I was only doing what I thought you wanted."

She sniffed back some unshed emotion as her head barely moved in a gesture that he interrupted as a nod and she stuck her foot out, relinquishing her control over the situation that they were mutually in together. Regardless of what she thought she wanted, or what she didn't want, he was there. That much she knew. And pushing him away in the moment that she perhaps needed him the most, wasn't going to do her any good in the long haul.

He smiled at her, as he slid her last shoe on. He let her right foot dangle against the gurney, before he reached out a hand for her to take in an effort to help her move from the gurney with the mound of discarded sheets to the wheel chair that had apparently been slipped in her room while he was gone. She took his hand, though she made no effort to move as she pulled him closer to her with what strength she had left.

She let out a sigh, acting as if she had something to say. He stood looking down at her intently as he waited for her to speak again. Her grey eyes searched his, reading over his features moment by moment. He felt his lips twitch into a smirk that he had no control over, she had him in complete procession as he waited and waited, captivated. "I'm… sorry."

"Sorry… you don't have to be sorry."

"Look at you. You're here. All the time. You're getting in trouble over this." She burrowed herself further into his gaze. He could see her conflict. How she knew that she should back away—how much she wanted to back away. But, for the first time he saw it. The fact that he was pulling her in, just as much as she was pulling him. That this pulling he felt was mutual. That he wasn't the only one. "I want to do the MNGIE testing. You're right… and I'm sorry I can't… commit. I don't know if I want to, or if I don't. But, I think we should. And maybe that's all that matters right now. Not how I feel about it."

He pouted at her variability, her raw fear left him speechless, staring at her. "Derek, you have to say something. You can't just stand there staring at me." She rambled, bringing him from his oblivion, his pout remained as he found himself again, he stumbled for his own words. "I told you, you don't have to apologize. Remember when I told you, this is your train. You are the one driving it. It's true, I think we can both agree that mistakes have been made. You realize that talking to Dr. Bailey in the beginning was the better option—but you're not the only one at fault for that. You make me…" He stopped, not knowing if now was the right time to say what he felt for her. He paused with her full attention on him, the words on the tip of his tongue, her eyes glued to his face.

"You make me feel…" The door opened just as he was about to bear his heart. The perfect opportunity ruined, though maybe it wasn't the perfect opportunity. Dr. Bailey stood in front of them, along with Linda, holding discharge papers and supplies to remove the two IV's that still resided in Meredith's arms. Linda went about her work without much notice to either of them, though Dr. Bailey looked between them, with a curious gleam in her eyes.

"You'll have to make arrangements for someone to drive you home." Bailey said slowly, as she looked to Derek analyzing his facial expression and demeanor. He cleared his throat instinctually, as he looked at Linda who quickly finished up her job, as she held pressure on Meredith's first IV site.

Bailey was making him nervous as she stared at him as intently as she was. Was he that terrible at hiding his emotions?


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8: Sweet Surrender**_

_He stopped, not knowing if now was the right time to say what he felt for her. He paused with her full attention on him, the words on the tip of his tongue, her eyes glued to his face. "You make me feel…" _

Those words. The unspoken ones. They circled her mind, and took the liberty to replay them over and over and over again.

_"You make me feel…" _What? Foolish? Happy? Terrible? There were millions of adjectives that she could place at the end of that thought. Millions. Millions of answers, though none of them were right because his lips didn't speak them. There was just an empty void where one word was missing. One word, that was driving her senseless.

Meredith knew which word she would put at the end of his sentence, if it were hers instead. "Derek, you make me feel complete. Derek, I'm glad you're here. Derek, thank you for trying to understand." Could she say it? If given the chance would she say it? Probably not. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't even be thinking about it. At least, not obsessively. At least, not in a way that made her need to know.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss was a freaking idiot.

There was a soft knock on her bedroom door. The sound jumped her, as she sat abruptly upright, the pounding in her head resonated as the light from the outside hall pooled inside her room and Cristina and Izzie's worried faces peaked inside.

"You okay, Mer?" Izzie asked softly. "You haven't said anything since you got home."

There wasn't anything Meredith could think to say, after everything that had transpired. Her secret was out. Putting aside Derek, the embarrassment was still an open wound. A gapping, bleeding wound, desperately in need of some stitches and time. "What am I supposed to say?" She grumbled groggily. She knew that if either of them were her, they would be in the same position—acting reclusive and craving the dark.

"You don't wanna talk?"

"No, Izzie. I don't want to talk about it. I want to lay here and pretend it never happened. I want to lay here in the dark and forget that I even exist. Is that too much to ask?"

Izzie looked over at Cristina, the light that poured in from the hallway lit up her worried features, as Cristina returned a look of earnest. "She'll be fine. Give her time."

"We can't just leave her here. In the dark. Cristina… she's like one of those patients on psych."

"Not everyone wants to talk about their feelings." Cristina whispered at Izzie sternly as she grabbed her arm in an attempt to pull her out of Meredith's room and give her some peace and the dark she yearned for.

Izzie let out a huff and stood her ground, not moving. "No. But, everyone needs to. At some point."

There was a moment where Meredith thought that Izzie had won Cristina. She stopped trying to pull Izzie out of the room at least, and looked towards Meredith sitting on the bed. "You know, this is the exact reason I don't like you." Cristina sneered, turning to lock eyes with Izzie. "Happiness is not good psychology. That's… crap!"

* * *

"You've been strangely quiet…"

"I'm eating."

"I mean, since you got home from the hospital. You've been… preoccupied. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine, Kathleen." Derek huffed, as he set his fork down angrily. Kathleen stopped chewing and looked at him from across the table. The children's program that the girls were watching in the other room flooded the silence between the two of them, as Derek sighed. He didn't like the feeling that he was getting from Katie, he didn't like the loaded comments with the innuendo to talk.

"How was Seattle? Did you get everything you needed?"

"Yeah. I've got everything. Almost. Mom will be here tomorrow, and Nancy, and Liz." She knew he was changing the subject to avoid telling her about whatever was occupying his mind. He should know better, by now, that she wasn't easy to push off track. Her whole day was spent trying to get people back to point. Whether it was reminding her five year old son about his pajamas, or her client avoiding a terrible truth. "That's not what's important to me now, though Derek. I want to talk about your day."

Derek glared at his sister before returning to what was left of the dinner she had picked up for them. "Well, I don't."

"Come on. It can't be as bad as you think it is. Run it by me. I'm world renowned for my good advice."

He laughed, though it was forced and conceited. "Good one." Again, the television played past his ears. From what he could hear, it sounded like that creepy show with the perverted looking cyclopes. But, what did he care? He would focus on anyone—anything to keep from talking to Katie about Meredith. The fact that she was even attempting to pry into his personal life was irritating the hell out him. Though at the same time, he knew he was on the verge of spilling his deepest thoughts to her. Just like he nearly did to Meredith earlier in the exam room. If it hadn't been for Bailey… God knows what he would have said in the passion of the moment.

He looked across the table at Kathleen, who sat twisting pasta thoughtfully around her fork. He opened his mouth to speak, though shut it defensively as a second wind of doubt blew by. Maybe he didn't want to tell her because he knew what he was feeling was wrong? Maybe that's what he secretly feared all along. It was easy to ignore, because it was in his own conscience. But, now that the Chief was looking at him—looking at them— there was a new sense of paranoia associated with his feelings. Lately, when it came to Meredith, the line between friendly and more than friendly was blurred. She haunted him, and it wasn't only her complex physiology. Whenever they were together, the only thing he could focus on was making her smile. Her smile was enough to light up his entire day. It was the way it appeared. Slowly. It was like watching the sunrise. There was complete and total darkness, and then slowly that darkness evolved to light and everything was fresh and beautiful. He loved that moment where everything for her was happy. At least, relatively so. That wasn't today though, and maybe a little part of him felt responsible for that. He was who she came to for help. And he wasn't there. He left her vulnerable; he knew she wouldn't reach out to someone else.

He took in a big breath, as he tried to combat the feelings of guilt he had, before he began to speak. "Where do you think… I should… draw the line?" Kathleen looked up at the sound of Derek's voice. Though it was shaky with hesitation, a small smirk appeared on her lips as she stared back at his clear blue eyes.

"What do you mean, draw the line?"

Derek sighed, knowing that this story was going to be long and convoluted, and that he was probably violating some of the confidentiality he had with Meredith in sharing bits and pieces with his sister. He knew Kathleen would never speak a word. Out of all his sisters, she may be pushy, but he could kill a person and tell Kathleen, and she wouldn't say anything. She was as good as a priest, or any lawyer.

"I have a friend." He started, waiting for Kathleen to make eyes at him, though they never came. She continued to watch him, as she slowly twirled a second bite of pasta around her fork as she waited for him to continue. "She's a co-worker, and a patient. And in my eyes, she's a really good friend. She's the patient that I left to be with today."

"You really have a thing for her." Kathleen gushed, though quickly reigned in her sentimentality.

"If it wasn't for the intern thing and the patient thing…" Derek mumbled.

"What would you do if it was completely up to you? Zero consequences. If you knew that you could be with this girl and still keep your good reputation? Would you do it? Would you take the chance?"

Derek didn't have to think about that. "Yes. I would take the chance." He blurted. "It's more than that though. That's not reality."

"Well, I think you have a choice to make. And I can't make that for you. You have this way of over generalizing, Derek. I can hear your hesitation. I hear your need for everything to be clear cut and perfect. But, love isn't like that. You know that, and it scares you. Where you're at now, how you feel about this patient, your co-worker… it's not clear cut. It's messy. And it scares the crap out of you." Her smile faded, as her stare bore into his. It was as if she was trying to stare into his soul, her look made him uncomfortable, but he was so locked into it, there was no way out. "I think you need to talk to her about how you feel. I mean, today, when you got the call that something bad happened to her—it struck a personal nerve with you. I could see it in your eyes, Derek. I've never seen you that emotional over anyone. And the way you operate, I knew it wasn't just any patient."

"I can't do that Kathleen. It's not professional. Either way."

"So, what? You're going to keep eating your feelings? That's your plan?"

"Yep."

* * *

The next day, Meredith slipped out of her house just as the sun was barely peeking over the horizon. She was done stewing. She was done sitting back on her ass watching everyone live around her. She was done not taking chances. Freaking carpe diem… or, crappy diem. Either way, there wasn't much left for her to screw up. It was time to take control of this crazy train, and show people what she was made of. She was a woman on a mission.

She wrapped her coat snugly around her body as she walked through the hospital parking lot, straight through the now glowing atrium, and across the catwalk to the Chief of Surgery's office. She had known Richard Webber many years ago. So many in fact that it felt like he was just a fictional character she made up in her head. But, he was there. She remembered him and her mother. She remembered how he was always kind to her, always had a smile—always had the power to make her mother smile, until one day he was gone and he took all the happy with him. She stood outside his office door, unsure of what to do next. The confidence she had left the house with was vanishing, slowly but surely.

"It's now, or later." She whispered to herself. "And later, it isn't going to be on your terms."

She balled her thin pale fingers into an assertive fist before she proceeded to knock on the large oak door three times. After the sound of knuckles hitting wood, there was a hesitant silence that followed. It rested on her shoulders, the anxiety made her hold her breath and bite the corner of her lower lip. Waiting. Waiting for what seemed like forever. Then the door handle moved, the sound of locks unlocking, and Richard's face appeared somewhat blearily across the threshold to his office.

He squinted at her, as if he had been sleeping. The sun pouring into the large hospital windows behind her made her glow angelically. Her golden waves accentuated by the warm light. She resembled her mother, in Richard's eyes. The little girl—the toddler he once knew to be Meredith was gone, replaced now by this thin, beautiful stranger.

With a sigh and a small smile, he stepped to one side biding her access to his small office. "Meredith, I wasn't expecting to see you back so soon. After what happened yesterday…"

She was quiet as she let his words sink in. She sat down in one of the chairs across from his desk, as he sat in the one behind. Her eyes stayed trained on everything but his face. She couldn't bring herself to actually look at him, though she wanted to.

"Dr. Shepherd and I sat down yesterday to talk about this situation." Richard's deep voice sounded familiar in Meredith's head, as an eerie sense of nostalgia made his presence a dream. He was older, and so was she, but his voice sounded like it did all those years ago. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She couldn't bring herself to meet his dark brown eyes. There were memories that she wasn't ready to feel. Memories that she knew she would probably never be able to bring herself to feel. She knew what she had to say. She just couldn't do it while looking at him.

With eyes glued to the various objects on his desk; the hand-made coffee mug full of pens and various yellow pencils, the way his hands set on top of his desk calendar, folded pleasantly, left thumb over right. She began to speak, turning her fear in to courage and her courage in to motivation. "I'm aware. I was there when you asked to see him." Meredith couldn't tell what Richard was planning. He didn't look amused, though the feeling and tone was mutual.

"Right, well, I wasn't sure how much of yesterday you actually remembered."

"Oh…" her lips curled into the sound, as her eyes finally dared to look up at him.

Webber sighed, his eyes wide as he waited for her to continue, though she didn't. There was a strong aura to her. Once she looked up at him, he could see it more than when she wasn't. She looked conflicted in what she was about to say, and then she caught his gaze, and he saw her mother's intensity.

"Why didn't you talk to me, Meredith? How could things be as bad as they are, and you say nothing to me?" His words tiptoed out of his mouth. His words were bland as he tried to cling to an old bound and an old trust that they once had, even though it had been shattered years ago.

She swallowed against her dry throat, not sure how to match the now personal tone of his voice.

If you would have told him years ago, when the woman in front of him was just a small child, that she would develop so many problems, he would have never believed it. He knew how smart Meredith was. There wasn't a question about that. For everything that he said to Derek Shepherd yesterday, he was having his own difficulty keeping professional. "Shepherd says that you were nervous to mention this. That you want to be treated like everyone else."

"Is that too much to ask?"

"No… it's not. But there are some things we can look past, and some things that we simply cannot."

"Honestly, I get that. I do. But, I'm handling this." Her voice cracked on the first syllable, as the words slipped into Webber's ears. She kept her eyes on his though. The intensity shown in her own.

Richard let out his own sigh, as he shook his head. "Sometimes, Meredith, coming to grips with our own reality is stronger than working against it." He was serious, not suggestive. His comment was enough to push her out of her composition, and into pure determination. It was fight or flight, do or do not. She couldn't just sit there and let him take away everything that she had worked hard for.

"Who are you to judge what I have and haven't come to grips with? Seriously? You really think you're the first person to tell me this? I'm doing this because I want to do it. I come here every day, and I work my ass off trying to be a good surgeon. And now that you know the truth, you want to stop me?"

"I see how hard you work. And I see that you have a talent that not many doctors have. You get it from your mother." He mused, though she didn't. "This has nothing to do with your ability to perform a procedure, or deal with patients. This is about you taking care of yourself. This is about you keeping up with your fluids, and taking care of yourself first. This isn't about your skill as a doctor. This is about you demonstrating to us that you can be responsible for yourself. Believe it or not, you have a responsibility to every patient in this hospital." He was on his own defense now, though he couldn't say if it was because of the patients, or if it was because of her. She was wringing her hands, rubbing them together nervously as she watched him. "Going into that OR the way you did yesterday was irresponsible. The way you took Dr. Bailey's attention away from that patient on the table was irresponsible. I'm not saying you need to quit the program, and I'm not looking to take this away from you. But there are certain things that we need to know about if you want things to work out."

"You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"We all want to help you that's what this is all about. Derek Shepherd seems to think he's the only one capable of that."

_He's the only person in this entire hospital I trust_, she thought, though wouldn't say. Even the simple idea of Derek made her frown, the conflicting feelings that she had yet to come to grips with made her feel strange all.

"Surgery is a team sport, no matter how thick the competition is. This job requires us to communicate with our teammates. From now on, you need to stop putting your health and the health of our patients behind your need to achieve."

She blinked a few times, his last words hitting her hard as her eyes narrowed and her lips frowned into a contemplative scowl. She didn't exactly have anything specific to say to Richard, and given what she was expecting, this outcome was fairly decent. When she had walked through the halls of Seattle Grace a handful of minutes before, she was expecting to be turned down. She was expecting to lose her spot in the program, no matter how unjust and defamatory that action would be. That was one of the things she was most afraid of. Which was weird, because if you asked her how much she loved being a surgical intern, her answer would be, not very much. The hours were long and rigorous—even for her friends who weren't stomping around the hospital with low electrolytes and nagging pain. She couldn't say exactly why she wanted to be there, given her current condition, other than the fact that she loved doing what being a surgeon meant. She liked the immediate results, she liked the action. She could respect surgeons and surgery a lot more than the typical wait and see crap that primary specialists put their patients through. Here on the surgical floor, they were the doers and the hands of change.

The fact of the matter was, if her illness was slowly deteriorating her—if the dragon inside of her was slowly eating her from within, she wanted to be here, working hard to give somebody else the longevity that she might not get. It was a feeling that tore her apart, a feeling that she refused to allow herself to feel, a feeling that she didn't want others to know about. They may speculate about her fear and she may be vocal about her sour expectations—but she would never honestly talk about those thoughts. No what if's.

She swallowed down the lump that was forming in her throat, as she nodded. She loathed her lack of assertiveness. She could do it for anything else, except this. That one thing that was very much a part of her. The one thing that she fought so hard to ignore and forget. She hated that it made her weak.

"I'm not here because I want to achieve." She said, as she took in a breath, compacting all the fear and antagonizing doubt. "I'm here because this… being here… this is all I've ever known. I was raised in the halls of a hospital, you know this. I've spent my holidays here. I've spent birthdays here. This place isn't just an ordinary hospital, it's where I feel… complete. You know, my mom is horrified that I'm insisting on doing this? I'm not sure if it's because of me, or if it's because of her reputation, but I don't have a lot of support… doing this. I have Cristina and Dr. Shepherd. And I had you and Dr. Bailey before what happened yesterday. I know I should have spoken to you at orientation..."

"You know I don't bite." He chuckled, as he attempted to lighten the mood.

"I really want this. But… I can think of a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be here. But I still want to fight for it."

"Well then…" He sighed wistfully. "That sounds exactly like something your mother said once." He smiled at the thought of Ellis, old memories—sweet and sour burned his heart. "You—you have a lot of her qualities, Meredith. I wouldn't have expected anything less."

She managed a smile, her grey eyes wide with cold thoughts. Beliefs that she had been indoctrinated with, for as long as she could remember began to reply in her mind. The idea that she could never be enough for Ellis. She could never be the daughter, or the person that Ellis thought she should be. It was funny to Meredith that Richard believed that she was like Ellis, when she had strived for her entire life to be exactly the opposite.

She was lost, as she noticed him stand up from behind his desk, and hold out his hand for her to shake. "I know that you can do this."

He thought that she was like Ellis. This was all making more sense now. She took his hand in hers, not making any effort to squeeze it. She was not Ellis the second.

His goodbye was a blur, as she walked out of his office. Down one hall and then another, before coming to rest on a pedestrian bench by a set of elevators.

She had mommy issues. And daddy issues. And trust issues, and abandonment issues, and intimacy issues. Her whole life was just one big pile of problems. One after the other. Sometimes she even felt that she was the problem. Through all the ups and downs that she had with her mother… Ellis' job, her drinking, her multitude of men… somewhere along the line, Meredith learned that she wasn't worth it. She was never ever a priority unless it flattered her mother. Meredith was a tool for Ellis to feel like a good person. Meredith was the one who couldn't go away no matter what happened. She grew up with the notion that Ellis hated her. Resented her. Only communicated with her because if she didn't she'd look like a bad person. And while Ellis Grey wasn't necessarily a "bad person" in the sense of the term… she hurt Meredith in ways that were irreversible. Meredith wanted to be nothing like her mother—though she wondered how really alike they actually were. Was she a chip off the old block? Was she like Ellis?

* * *

**_Thanksgiving Morning._**

Meredith could hear Izzie shuffling around the kitchen as she tiptoed down the stairs. The house was old, and very creaky, and as she tiptoed down each step, she held her breath careful not to step on any of the squeaky spots. She wasn't in the mood to be thankful for anything today. Which, theoretically made her feel like a bad person, given everything that she had. But having and needing aren't the same. She had mostly everything a person could want—but nothing that she actually needed.

Izzie had been planning Thanksgiving dinner, practically ever since she moved into the Queen Anne house on Harper Lane. And even though both she and Cristina had made their detachment from the holiday known, Izzie still insisted on celebrating. Of course, Izzie had grown up with happy family filled holidays, like this, where she and Cristina did not. Ellis had never been a fan of holidays. It was old habit for her to be at a hospital on Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and maybe even Easter—and this was a tradition that she didn't want to give up.

She rested at the bottom of the stairs to catch her breath. With her head peeked out as she waited for the perfect moment to leap out the door, the feeling of being so close and yet so far away from something was antagonizing. She kept her back pressed against the wall, still waiting. And then it came. She shuffled out of Izzie's sight, though her foot got stuck under a roll in the floor rug, and she tripped and fell with a loud thud.

"Are you alright?" Meredith could hear Izzie's voice call from the kitchen before the blonde came to investigate the scene of the accident. She wasn't amused as she stared down at Meredith with both hands on her hips, her eyes narrowed in blatant betrayal. "You're supposed to be helping me." She rushed out the syllables, as though she was in slight desperation. The apron she was wearing was already covered in some type of goo that Meredith couldn't identify.

She stood up slowly, as she smoothed down her shirt and ran a hand through her hair. She really had no idea what to say, to get herself out of staying here with Izzie, and making food that she really had no desire to get sick from. "Uh… well, I was…"

"Let me guess, you were on your way to the hospital… even though you technically aren't supposed to be there. Both you and Cristina were supposed to help me today. It's Thanksgiving!"

"So…"

"So, you're supposed to spend the day with the people you love. It's a day where you focus on the important lasting things that you're grateful to have."

Meredith let out a sigh, as she shook her head. "I'll be back later this afternoon. I just—I don't… I just want today to be normal. That's all." She took one last look at Izzie as she walked backwards towards the front door. Izzie looked surprised and disgusted all at the same time. Her messy blonde hair was tied back in a bun on top of her head and her normally friendly smile was replaced by lips gaped in amazement.

"I can't believe you're not going to help me, seriously, Meredith Grey! I'll remember this. No turkey or pie for you. I'm tired of being the little red hen!"

"The what?" Cristina barked as she made her own way down the wooden staircase.

"The little red hen. You know that story from when you were a kid—I am done catering to the two of you and your lack of personal feelings. You're both ungrateful and…" She looked over her shoulder at Cristina, who looked as though she was going somewhere, too. "…where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Burke's. His parents are in town for Thanksgiving. Trust me, I'd rather be here watching you pluck and stuff."

"That's not the point. You're supposed to help me."

"We don't like Thanksgiving—we tried to warn you."

"Mer…" She pleaded, her eyes lit up like a little lost puppy dog, begging for attention.

"Izzie…" She pleaded back, with a look of desperation that far surpassed Izzie's. She held her stare for several moments, in an uncomfortable blanket of silence. Determination was written on both their faces, and though she wanted to give in a show of minimal appreciation for her roommate, Meredith couldn't let go. She hated the feeling of urgency that was building up steadily in her chest, to the point where she almost felt as though she was going to burst. Suddenly a strange smell drifted past each of their noses, something burning became clear leaving Izzie no choice but to let her two roommates go.

"We're having Thanksgiving whether you like it or not!" She screamed from the kitchen just as Cristina let the front door click behind her, separating the two women from Izzie.

"God… she's turned into Paula Dean." Cristina mocked, as she dug through her purse in search of her car keys.

All Meredith could do was shake her head as she took one last glance at the door. "She just wants everyone to be happy. Is that so wrong?"

"I don't know if I can trust happy people." Cristina shrugged, as she brushed past Meredith down the porch steps. "They lack substance. They lack… I don't know… there's just something that they don't get."

Meredith could respect that. There was a gap between her and Izzie that she knew went further than just their level of overall joy. She was skeptical, and Izzie was hopeful. She was over analytical and didn't give people very many chances. And Izzie? Izzie seemed to be the picture of content. She wouldn't call her friend superficial, but through what they saw every single day at work, and what she dealt with at home, she noticed that Izzie Stevens didn't get too deep about things. She didn't get caught up in things like Meredith did, and she was happier for it. Meredith wished that she could be so trusting and willing to be so blind in such situations. She wasn't a dreamer, and she didn't hope… at least, not in her better judgment.

* * *

Nancy's mouth was moving, but like always he had tuned out her words. Or, at least most of them. Ever since he was roped into having almost his entire family over for the holiday, he had been bracing for the snide comments and the nerve wracking criticism. The sympathetic and grateful looks from his brothers-in-law made him feel like he was the sacrificial lamb, as he sat apathetically at the kitchen snack bar, watching the four women in his life stir, and steam, and slice.

For some reason he continued to sit there instead of sneaking off to spend time with his nieces and nephews. To some of them, he was a new face, though others remembered him from years ago when he was still married to Addison and was much more active in family affairs. Nancy's daughter, his oldest niece in particular gave him chills. She was so much older now, he couldn't believe how much time had passed and how long ago yesterday really was. He was there the night Lauren was born—Addison delivered her. He remembered holding her in his arms, just hours after her birth and studying the intricacies of her little fingers and her tiny facial features. She was amazing and she sparked something in him that now he didn't believe would ever happen. And he was ok with that. Or, at least, that's what he told himself.

"Derek!" His attention snapped away from the memories of what once was to the present and the sound of Nancy's voice stabbing through the tense air. He slowly looked up from the veggie tray he was apparently enthralled with to see her thin frame standing in front of him, her chocolate eyes narrowed in disgust at his apparent disregard. "Hello, we're talking to you over here!"

A soft grunt came from his throat as he looked to the faces of his other sisters and mother all waiting for him to reply to something that he apparently had ignored. "Uh… I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I was asking if you'd seen that conceited snob you almost married. Is she still working at Seattle Grace?" Her words were sharp intentionally and the fact that Nancy was even bringing Hannah up made the hair on the back of his neck stand.

"She's still working in peds. I hardly ever see her, though." He sighed tired of feeling her eyes baring into him. He found it amusing that Addison could cheat on him with his best friend, their almost brother, and she was still welcomed and adored by his sisters—though Hannah could simply decide that marrying him was a wrong choice for her, and she was forever regarded as a snob and other less flattering adjectives. In his mind, the memories of both Addie and Hannah were poignant and uncomfortable in different ways, though apparently Nancy took more insult with Hannah, for unobvious reasons.

Nancy scoffed, as she finally turned away to pursue other tasks, and Derek let out a breath that he didn't realize he had held. "I guess if it wasn't for her, you would have never built this house. Actually, Der, I'm surprised that you're keeping as together as you are."

There it was. By answering he had entered himself into a conversation that he didn't want to be a part of. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, after Addison you moved three thousand miles across the country and lived in a trailer for how long?"

"Six years." Lizzie supplied in her own incredulous tone.

"Right, six years. I half expected you to move to Alaska."

"I don't see how any of this is relevant, or any of your business."

Nancy could see in his eyes that he was getting irritated, but like almost always she couldn't stop herself. It's what big sisters did, she rationalized. She knew she was pushing his buttons and he was getting cantankerous, but there were some things that she needed to get to the bottom of, and she, unlike her other sisters and their mother, wasn't afraid if she ruffled Derek's feathers a bit in the process.

"It is our business. We're your family Derek. Whether you recognize that or not. We actually do care about you."

He paused for a moment, his face scrunched up in abhorrence that she thought that prying into his life was her God given right just because they shared a blood line. She always used that as her excuse, though all she really wanted was to control who he ended up with at the end of it all. She was always like that. Ever since he brought home his first high school girlfriend. She had something petty to say. The only woman Nancy approved of was Addison Montgomery, and that was because she was practically Nancy. He hadn't realized it at the time, but now looking back, Addison and Nancy shared more likeness than he cared to diagnose. It made him squirm just to think about it. But that was no more.

He only had one thing to say to his assertive older sister. One simple thing that he knew would hit her straight in the gut. Something that went against everything they told him, and perhaps everything they actually felt, though Derek didn't really believe it. "Then act like it." The words inched out of his mouth, low and throaty. He watched her lips purse into a dissatisfied scowl as she looked between his mother, and Lizzie, and Kathleen. Nancy's hands unconsciously found their place on her hips, as her eyes narrowed into an unpleasant glare.

Derek didn't care though. It had been coming, this had been coming for a while. He'd avoided them and drove them to the point of practical hysteria by making them hold in their questions until they were literally popping with curiosity. This was more his fault than theirs, he realized. But then again, he was so tired of feeling their pressure that he didn't really care. He didn't want to be cross examined all through the visit. He wanted to stop it, before it continued any further.

He held his hands out in a show of retreat, as Lizzie and Nancy seemed to sputter in their respective speechlessness. A comment that was seemingly so innocent and heartfelt made them more annoyed than anything else he could have said.

"What do you mean, act like it? You are so rude sometimes." Lizzie declared, sporting her own glare. "If it's anyone who doesn't act like he cares, it's you."

"You know that's not true." He deflected, even though he knew he was drowning every time he made a comment.

"You never want to come home anymore. You barely communicate at all anymore. If it's anyone who acts like they don't care it's you."

Liz's comment stung, because he did care. He just didn't want to deal with the past. He didn't want to hear about his snotty ex-fiance, he didn't want to talk about why his marriage fell apart. He did care,he just didn't want to talk.

"I think I'm going to go take a drive…" he said with a dissatisfied frown on his face.

"Oh Derek. We can work this out. You don't have to go." His mother pleaded. It was the first comment she had said since Nancy had started speaking. He knew that she agreed with her though, just by the look in her eyes. There was something more going on, something that she was thinking or feeling that she hadn't dared express to him, probably at the fear of making him angry. He wasn't sure.

"I just need a break. I'll be back in time for supper." He felt like a little boy pleading to play outside just before dinner time. He could sense that a part of his mother was hesitant to let him go, as though he might really flee to Alaska and never return, though she didn't say anything. No one did.

* * *

Nobody's staring. Not that it would matter if they were staring… or if people were talking about her. Meredith was stubborn and determined not to let rumors affect her work. Rumors that were, at this point, nonexistent. But, she was ready for it. Just in case. She walked over to the elevators, her eyes fixed on their destination. She pressed the up button as she sighed a relieved sigh as the doors opened to an empty cab. She walked inside pressing three, gripping her canvas bag tightly in her hands. Maybe it was a stupid idea coming here today—but in her situation, she found it helpful to keep going. She found it helpful not to give in, and to preserver.

The elevator doors opened slowly, inviting her to get off and make her way to the Intern's locker room. Rounds were starting in about 10 minutes, though as she opened the door slowly, the usually filled and noisy locker room was silent. She sat down on the bench across from her locker, taking out a fresh pair of scrubs. As she removed her jacket, she felt a light tap on her shoulder. She turned around, her breath held ready to give her attention to whoever needed it.

"You are supposed to be at home, resting! Ever hear of that Grey?!" Dr. Bailey was in her angry mode; hands on her hips, head tilted to one side, eyes squinted staring at her indignantly. Her demeanor was dry and unfriendly. Meredith shut her eyes as she heard Dr. Bailey… bellowing. She felt like a little kid again in trouble for scribbling in one of her mother's favorite tablets. She let out a sigh. "Dr. Bailey… I—"

"Look, Meredith," Bailey sighed folding her arms over her chest. "Whatever it is you…"

"I am fine, Dr. Bailey. My heart rate has been stable. Below 80, actually. And I feel ready to get back to what I need to do."

"You know why it's been lower? It's because you have been resting. Resting Grey. Take advantage of it."

"Can't you just keep me on research? An easy case? Babysitting some really old guy or something?" Meredith bit the inside of her lip bargaining for her job. She knew she couldn't stand to be home today. With Izzie, trying to make everything happy and bright when she felt everything but. She needed to keep busy. Any way she could. "I need to work, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey looked at Meredith, knowing partly how she felt. She knew that given the right circumstances, no matter how much she tried to sell the idea of rest and relaxation; even she couldn't convince herself that it would be worth it. "Fine. No surgeries. No anything that requires slight dehydration."

Meredith smiled, thankful for the very first time that day. She could handle that. It was much better than being home. At least here she felt somewhat productive.

* * *

He wanted to feel close to his sisters. He wanted to feel like spending holidays and celebrations with them. But no matter how much he tried to excite himself about their company, Derek always found himself feeling the exact opposite. Nancy was always fast to label him as the problem, instead of looking at herself. Four sisters. Four sisters and not one brother, and they expected him to be sane. It was a miracle that he was as pragmatic and together as he was, considering. Not that anyone counted his successes—only his failures. His failed marriage. His failed engagement. At the end of it all, Nancy, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Amy made him remember things and feel things that he had no desire to remember or feel. And who wants to deal with that?

So he ran. He did exactly what they accuse him of doing, even though he didn't see it that way. Well, maybe they were kind of right. It wasn't that he was running, he was just collecting himself. He was bowing out before he said something he would regret. He had a habit of letting his anger get the best of him at times. Perhaps he had moments of acting more miserable than he should, and he held grudges for longer than necessary. That much he would admit was true. But that didn't matter to him today. Today he was trying to survive the rest of the week.

He would go to the hospital. The hospital would clear his mind. Just for a few hours. Just long enough to do a few consults in the clinic—even though he wanted nothing more than to drill a hole in someone's skull. A part of him knew that the second he walked through those familiar glass doors he would have to fight against himself to leave, but he didn't care.

Seattle Grace was like a sip of water against an extremely dry throat. It was like going home, the familiar smells were comforting as he made his way through the empty corridor to the elevators, up, up, up to the very empty and very quiet surgical floor. The nurse's station was empty, except for two bodies that sat manning the desk in case of emergent traumas, but other than that everything was, dare he say, quiet.

He rounded around the corner, not surprised that he wasn't alone in his avoidance adventures, as the Chief stood eyeing the OR board with his own displeased appearance.

"Running away from the holidays, too, I see." He called down the corridor at his boss. It seemed as though his voice echoed in the quiet hallway more than he had anticipated, as Richard turned to face him surprised and not anticipating his presence.

"Oh, well… I'm not here. I'm… checking the OR board and then I'm gone." He seemed caught up in his own thoughts and his own concerns, though at the moment they weren't too different. "Why are you here? I thought you weren't due back until Tuesday?"

Derek smirked with a quick shake of his head. "I'm taking a break. I have four sisters. Four girly, chatty, and intrusive sisters and I… needed some air."

"Adele's sister is in town. I hate that woman."

"At least Adele only has one sister. You could have three sisters there ruining your appetite."

"Three, I thought you said you have four?"

"Amelia didn't come. Amelia never comes." Since the moment he pulled off of the ferry he had tried to convince himself that he was being noble. Just as Richard was clinging to his good assets, before admitting where he was weak. He wasn't without his own aversion. "Everything just doesn't stop because it's a holiday. People are still sick, they still get injured. You wouldn't want anyone to fall through the cracks."

Richard grunted in response, a sound that was doubtful. "I should go home. Who am I kidding? You should go home too, Derek. It's Thanksgiving. We should know more than others how fast everything can come crashing down."

"I'll remember that when I'm hugging them goodbye." Derek groaned as the chief chuckled with a quick shake of his head, as if Derek was missing something. And maybe he was.

* * *

Meredith followed Bailey around the emergency room, her eyes steady on Bailey's methods and demeanor. The day was proving to be—dare she say—quiet. There were several patients occupying the waiting room, but nothing urgent or surgical. Several other doctors lounged around the ER nurse's station, seemingly consumed in their own thoughts with faces that reflected boredom. She knew that she was agitating to Bailey, as her face sat in a permanent pout. She had fought to work because she wanted to feel useful, but as she looked around she saw that useful wasn't a feeling that belonged to anyone today. They were all just there. Existing for the sake of the patients in the waiting room. Existing to save, as of now, hypothetical lives.

Even though the cases were light, and the patients anything but urgent, Bailey seemed intent at keeping Meredith's interaction with them to a minimum. No anything that requires slight dehydration. Meredith thought that was manageable, but apparently in the eyes of Dr. Bailey that excluded practically everything other than breathing. She followed haplessly, watching as Bailey dressed a woman's burn and treated an overweight man's acid reflux. Both were cases that she was more than capable at handling, but Bailey seemed intent on her "no dehydration" rule. "If you're going to keep making faces, Grey, maybe you should go home." Bailey stated apathetically. It was true. She had been making a lot of faces that morning. Mostly eye rolls. Her cheeks were pink with aggravation as she followed her resident to the nurse's station. She sat down with small huff, as she looked towards Bailey, who looked prepared to show indifference to any argument her intern may venture to put forth.

"You're really not going to let me do anything?" Meredith said, as she subconsciously tilted her head in curiosity at Bailey's placid stare.

"Nope."

"Seriously." Meredith replied in a defeated tone.

"Yes, Grey. Seriously." Meredith's unhappy look on her face seemed to twist Bailey's already scrambled nerves. The more experienced resident eyed her without any sympathy as Meredith sat silently in front of her. "I really don't know what you expect me to say? You neglect to share vital information with me—information that you feel you have the right to ignore in a job as demanding as this. What do you really expect me to do?"

Meredith let out a quiet sigh, not sure if the question asked was rhetorical or not. In her mind it was all about self-respect. It was all about proving that she was more than what her disadvantages painted her. It was hard enough talking herself into the mind frame that she could be everything that she wanted to be. She battled with herself more than she cared to admit—she fought all the way to get there. And now she was dealing with something that she couldn't even deal with personally. It all seemed stupid at the moment.

"You don't have anything to say?" Bailey added.

"In my mind it's more complicated. I get that I should have spoken to you about everything… and I get that you have doubts. But, I thought that I was handling it. I don't see how that makes me irresponsible." She heard her voice waver towards the end of her brisk statement, as she held firmly to her emphatic attitude. She would admit that she made a lapse in judgment, but her lesson was learned.

Bailey shut her eyes in one long over exaggerated blink. As if Meredith's comment was bouncing around her brain. "Mrs. Logan in curtain four needs her ankle splinted."

She felt her hard expression melt. She felt liberated. She wasted no time in making her way towards curtain four, a skip in her step. She wasn't sure where things would lead with Bailey, but for now everything looked like it was trending in her favor. Maybe Bailey still wasn't pleased with her, and maybe she would always have doubts, but, Meredith was there to prove herself, and she deserved the right to try again. She wouldn't venture to say that she was relieved. Knowing Bailey, she would still have to jump through hoops to prove that she was alright. She would still have to jump through hoops to prove to herself that she could function, but, at least this was a minimal step in the right direction.

Before she had a chance to listen and observe her surroundings, it took her a moment to realize what was happening as she ran right into a familiar chest with a light grunt. Her somewhat content look quickly vanished as it was replaced with a look of shock and annoyance as her grey eyes met with familiar blues.

"Woah…" Derek chucked as she backed up to look at him. She looked back and forth between Mrs. Logan and Derek, as she unconsciously bit the inside of her lip. Mrs. Logan sat fully splinted signing discharge papers, and Derek stood in front of her, seemingly amused by her confused expression.

"Come on!" She moaned as she glared at Derek. "Bailey finally gives me a patient and you steal her."

"I didn't steal anyone…" He bemused with raised eyebrows as he followed her back out into the hall. "Why are you here anyway?"

She looked at him agitated that another person was questioning her abilities. Though she knew him better, and she knew that his intention was different it still rubbed her nerves the wrong way. "Why are you here?" She shot back as she sat down in the seat she occupied just a few moments before. "It's not like brain surgeons are usually found splinting sprained ankles."

She looked feisty. He couldn't help the goofy smirk that came to his face as he leaned against the nurse's station looking down at her flustered face. "I'm hiding."

"You're hiding?" She repeated, slightly amused at his playfulness. He was frisky, yet he was being elusive in the details.

"Yep. I am hiding."

"You know, this kind of puts a shadow on your big badass neurosurgeon front."

His brow furrowed quizzically at her comment. "Are you calling me a coward?"

"Well," she began, adopting his frisk. "If the shoe fits… why are you hiding then?"

He chuckled with a quick shake of his head. "My sisters were driving me to the brink of insanity. I needed to leave. Clear my head." He watched her nod incredulously, her eyes still lit up impishly. "You still haven't told me why you're here. After the other day I thought you would be taking a few days off."

She grew silent as her mind wandered back to that moment, Tuesday. The moment they were alone in the exam room, familiar feelings and questions that she had been avoiding resurfaced. "Izzie… she has this big Thanksgiving thing planned, and I'm not a big fan of today." She babbled. "I was supposed to come in anyway. Before the thing… I mean." She averted her gaze from his thoughtful stare, trying to hide from him the curiosity she had for words that were never spoken. She wasn't expecting to see him there. The fact that he was standing in front of her cloaked in mystery, made her heart pound. Like an entire zoo erupted inside of her chest.

"Right. The thing." He repeated, another small smile melted on his lips. The fact that she called it the thing was charming to him. She had this way of being completely intangible, vague. Yet it spoke volumes.

She shuffled numerous papers arbitrarily around the desk, as if she needed to keep her hands busy. "I just want things to be normal." She mumbled. There was a slow yet heavy air of awkwardness that was settling in between the two of them that she felt like she needed to lift. Even though the thoughts now racing through her mind, coupled with the unexplainable tension refused to dissipate. The fact that she was even afraid to hear what he might say ignited something deeper for her than the fear she felt. Something more self-loathing and self-doubting than she would admit.

"Meredith, stop obsessing." He said quietly trying to pull her out of the cyclone she was creating. "Stop obsessing and come to lunch with me."

It wasn't a question, but a statement that made her pause and take in her surroundings, hopeless as they were. She was doomed to spend the day sitting in that exact spot pushing around papers she had no business organizing. He looked down at her seriously, though not impatiently, as he waited for her to give him an answer. She took in a slow deep breath, diverting her eyes away from Derek's face as she slowly stood up from her place. "Fine…" she mumbled as a smirk replaced the lips that were pursed in hesitation. He nodded triumphantly as he followed her with slow steps down the hallway.

* * *

It was his idea to steal away to the hospital roof, the day too gorgeous to give up the mild weather and stunning view. Seattle wasn't Manhattan, but it was gorgeous in its own way. He watched her enamored, as her wavy hair was tousled by the soft wind as she stood next to him taking in the same gorgeous views. There was an a familiar silence in her ways that left him feeling anxious and feeling as though she wanted to be elsewhere. It was something that he hadn't seen in her since their first few interactions, except for earlier that week when a different type of urgency clouded her eyes. She was thinking about something, he could tell.

She tried to guard herself against him away from his blue eyes that were carefully investigating her face. He looked as if he wanted to say something, though doubted himself. The bag of trail mix crinkled under the pressure of his fingers as it collided against the noise of the traffic several stories below them.

Derek knew that what he felt for Meredith was real. It was a feeling that he hadn't experienced for a very long time. A feeling of happiness and fear all rolled into one giant ball that sat deep inside his chest. The thought of her made him happy. There was so much depth to her. She was stubborn and feisty. She wanted the world, and she would stop at nothing to get it. The other day had shown him that. She wasn't one to be messed with. She wasn't one to let her guard down. But when she did; when she let him in, she made him feel like he was flying. Just being around her made him feel complete. And he wanted her to know that. More than anything, but he didn't know how to get to that point with her. She was like a jigsaw puzzle. "Hey…" he began kindly as he watched her attention return to him and their eyes meet. His head tilted affectionately to the side as his lips curled into a small smirk and everything suddenly felt... right. "I don't know how you're going to feel about what I'm about to say." Her grey eyes flashed in sheer panic at the sound of his voice, as she looked at him skeptically, making his heartbeat faster with an adrenalin and oxytocin rush. He fell silent for a moment, giving her time to readjust her features and calm her own fluttering nerves. She wanted to look away, but her eyes stayed glued to his face.

He felt like a teenager all over again. The things that he thought would become easier with age were only a delusional fantasy as he looked into her eyes. He didn't know if what he was doing was right, or practical. He wasn't sure how it would change the energy between them. But he knew that he couldn't keep his feelings for her inside anymore. She deserved to know. "I'm in love with you…" he began, letting out a wistful sigh and a small chuckle. "I've felt this way for a while." His words lingered between them, as the chilly Seattle air filled his lungs. The words lingered and there was silence. He was frozen as he waited for her. Each moment that passed, silence filled more. She looked away to the distance, as she tried to find some privacy to contemplate him. She felt numb. Was she supposed to admit the same to him? Was she supposed to say something? She had to say something, though her narrowed eyes and indifference painted her face. What was she supposed to say to him right now? She could feel him staring at her, waiting for her to make some kind of response, though she didn't know how.

"I don't know what to say…" She whispered as she forced herself back to him.

His smile accentuated his dimples as he surrendered his feelings to her, a huge weight lifted off his chest with every syllable. "You don't have to say anything." He blurted out laying a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I don't want you to feel pressured, or uncomfortable. I just want you to think about this."

Her arms found their way defensively across her chest, as she sniffed back the little emotion that was eeking through. She didn't even feel like herself anymore. It was as if by some peripheral power she was watching the situation unfold in front of her, watching both of their pathetic natures, their vulnerability exposed. His weakness to love, and her weakness to reject it. Love for Meredith Grey was always a choice. People chose when to love her, and when to stop. She had learned long ago that unconditional love was a subject of delusional fantasies. She learned long ago that, despite popular belief, love did not conquer everything. For others, love was patient and love was kind, but for her it was cruel and deserting. Love terrified her, the feelings that his attention initiated terrified her more. She felt like she was falling into him, falling for his kindness and his honesty—ironically the thing she hated most about him as he stood baring his deepest desires to her.

He cleared his throat again, all but breaking her heart. "Will you think about what I said?" His lips remained in a worried smile, as if holding on to some hidden hope that she didn't believe existed. Didn't he realize how much his sincerity was breaking her? Didn't he realize all the conflict that she was feeling?

She couldn't answer him, her mind tearing apart with each additional word he uttered. They screamed in her mind, as her legs ached to run away, to hide herself from his honesty and his confessions, to hide from every conflicting feeling that burned her heart whenever she looked at him. She closed her eyes in one more long nervous blink, turning her face from his searching blue eyes—the eyes that desperately searched her face for answers.

"Meredith?" He asked sweetly, his face falling in concern as she slowly withdrew from him. He reached out to touch her wrist, an action that was supposed to be one of support and reassurance, though only succeeded in causing her more strife. She jumped at the feel of his warm fingers against her cold skin, the contact more than she wanted to feel of him in the moment. She wanted to allow herself something good, though she feared the interaction. She wasn't transparent like him, she wasn't willing to expose herself completely, or tell him the truth.

"Please, Derek? I can't do this. I can't love you; I can't give you anything back." She whispered desperately, trying to change his mind. "I'm sorry…this is just… I can't… I'm not what you want, Derek."

Meredith's words hit him like darts, the desperation and her fear, magnified by her inability to look at him made his chest tight. He had done that. He had created this new burden, this new anxiety unnecessarily. What they had was good. He had been comfortable being her friend, and he had pushed the parameters selfishly. He saw her struggle for months to let him in, she spent her energy trying to make it, and now he was watching her crumble. He was asking too much, expecting too much.

"It's alright…" He replied strongly, trying to show her that he understood. "This is too much…" His voice was soft and soothing as he studied her with gentle eyes.

She nodded, her overall silence dug into him more than he was letting on to. She turned to look at him, her eyes pink and teary, sending another pang through his chest. "I…I have to go…"

"Meredith…" he said, touching her shoulder as she passed by him. She looked up at him, hesitant, as if embarrassed by the situation. He smiled at her reassuringly, trying to get past his feelings for the sake of her and him. "I mean it. I don't want things to be different between us."

"I have to get back to work." She whispered quietly, her eyes wide in desperation as she adamantly wanted to leave the scene and him.

"I mean it." He sighed, as he ran a hand through his unruly, windswept hair. His sister's words kept pestering him in his dark mind, the honesty and the look in her eyes dug deeper than anything else as he tried to hold on to the sentimentality and decency he wanted her to see in him. He wasn't going to apologize for loving her, for feeling that rush when he looked into her eyes, or the smile that came to his face whenever he thought about her.

She nodded, willing time to rewind. Willing away from him and his feelings, from falling for him. "I…" the syllable hung in the air between them, waiting to be accompanied by more. There was a battle in her mind, a conflict deeper than the confusion and the pain displayed on her face. The spark in his eyes as he held tight to her gaze made every thought and every feeling within her flare in rebellion. Her thoughts and feelings never quite matching up.

She took several steps backwards, unable to reconcile with him any longer. She pushed her way through the door to the stairwell, making the long breathless journey down the steps. The steady drumming of her feet hitting each stair echoed in her mind, providing her a release as it steadily pushed out the sound of his voice. She wasn't sure what she was feeling, distraught came to mind—but even distraught felt like too troubled of an emotion. She wasn't upset as much as she was simply confused. Unbelieving that he could find any attractive quality in her. She was scattered, and dark. She was messy and broken. He knew that well. And yet, in some twisted way perhaps, he "loved" her. It didn't make any sense. She didn't even love her. How could he?

It was a relief that the day was calm and the locker room was empty, her pace finally slowing as she approached its corridor, the familiar white lockers and smell of used scrubs momentarily pleased her. It was quiet and she was alone. She could hear the water dripping from one of the sinks, as she lazily sat down on the bench in front of her locker. She knew she should be getting back to work, and that Bailey was probably searching for her, but at that moment she couldn't bring herself to stand. All she wanted to do was sit there and soak in the silence. All she wanted to do was disappear.

* * *

**AN: In order to start Chapter 9, I realized that my execution was going to be too complicated and choppy. Initially, Chapter 9 started off several weeks after Derek's surrender on the roof, alternating between where they are and where they came from. I think we can all agree that Meredith isn't the type of person to rush into things, whereas Derek is a lot more emotionally aware. There is a lot coming down the road for both of them, and in order to make it all flow appropriately, I decided to make an addition to the last section of this chapter. Hope you enjoy! **

**- Mutant**


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